Tick...Tock...

So here I am … I guess I am in no mood to write. On top of that, it is holiday season and you know what that means? .It means even if you wanted to write, you won’t want to write. Ok, ok, that was plain BS there …

Actually, people are taking vacation and disappearing like crazy. Since I don’t have any vacation hours as of today, I am basically stuck here till the end of the holidays. How lame is that? I know…gee wheeze right?

Today really feels like Friday to me, since it is most of my colleagues’ last day before the holidays. I am just waiting here counting of the hours, and minutes…and as the time nears the end…even the seconds are moving like it’s an hour hand!! Stupid sense of time…your mind plays a real trick with you, doesn’t it?

Anyway, I got more piles of junk to read just now. That is lame too…for I have no desire to read. Christmas lunch party was filled with awesome food… so guess what that could mean? I am stuffed and ready to flop any minute. It doesn’t look good for the rest of the day for sure.

Chocolates, you say? Well I thought it would wake me up…but no… it’s having no effects of that sort on me as of this minute. Saying that, I started to write even though I have no particular desire to write hoping that this would be one way to kill time of course!!

Did it work? Seems to be…but don’t make me look at the clock again you know!! That would just override this grand effort of mine. Time’s ticking away and no matter what you say it will still keep on ticking but then… why does it seem to slow down if you keep looking at it? It’s a bit of a conundrum, isn’t it? In reality, of course, you know it’s not…but then why is so hard to make your mind believe it’s otherwise? Ah well…that’s something I no longer want to ponder on about. I got better things to do right? LOL … big AS IF should follow that statement!!

Okay!! So what else is going on with me?

Hmmmm…

Guess nothing interesting!!!

The rule is…if you have to wait and think about it for more than thirty seconds, then most likely there is nothing interesting going on. What say you?

You know what actually… This font is really eye catching, well to me anyway! Maybe that’s the reason I haven’t already closed this document. The more I write, the more I want to keep writing gibberish. I love the capital fonts on this. It sort of reminds me of calligraphy. I wish I knew how to write like this for real!! Maybe, I should give it a shot one of these days!

It looks like I am writing a letter to someone!

Not bad huh?…

Solitary Moments

Why is it that sometimes you have no desire to talk to anyone? No desire to pick up the phone and say hello...no desire to dial the number...no desire to drop a line...

Is that being selfish? ... wanting to be left alone?

Is that being depressed? (If so, why?)

Why do people come to the conclusion that if you don't want to talk, you are depressed? Can't one just want to be alone to think or do something? Isn't the best work done, when you are left alone?? For example, coming up with a brilliant idea while taking a shower!! Eureka!!! (Not that I have had that happening :P but that's how it is... you think outside the box if you have this luxury of peace and quiet sometimes. Of course I am not saying this happens all the time because many ideas can be formed during times when you bounce ideas from here to there.)

Maybe all I needed was some peace and quiet...without being hounded by anyone querying me of my unusual habits (I wouldn't say this is very unusual in my case tho :P I like to have my own space...to be in the zone!!)

Why do I feel as if I am bombarded with phone calls? I just lose words sometimes...as if everything I have wanted to say has already been said and there is nothing left to say anymore. It's not like it would never come, I mean there's million and one things to talk about...it will come when it will.

Of course calls doesn't necessarily mean that you have to have something to talk about, but it's a PHONE...if you don't talk through it then why are you going to just hold on to it? It's not like being there in person... In person at least if you have nothing to say, you can do other things...there are plenty of options. People calling and having nothing to talk about means a rather awkward silence... If that was going to be so...isn't it better to have not called? or picked up?

Consider a video conference with your friend, now what would it be like if both of you had nothing to say... That's pretty awkward :S I woudn't be fond of standing in front of a camera saying nothing :P I am not much of a talker really unless there is something to talk about of course... :D

Another thing with me is that...if someone calls and I have nothing to say and they have nothing to say....I start getting irritated. Having a conversation should be something natural...something liberating in a way because it should take your frustrations out. It's casual moments where you chill, one should not find it a stressful thing.

What do you do when you can't write when you try to write? You wait for the next day when you're in the mood. That's how everything is...there's a flow to all things you do. You may not recognize it but there's always a flow to everything that's happening. Sometimes you line up with other people's flow and everything seems to go smoothly and sometimes you take a different path of flow and be distant to the original flow of things. That shouldn't mean that something is wrong with you though. Maybe it would seem rude and selfish even to not consider others but is it truly wrong? Wrong to be yourself?

If things you did for fun became like a chore...why would you even want to do anything right? There are plenty of things in the world where you do things because you have to do it. Somethings...should be done for YOU only... The ability to choose is the freedom you have... If there was no options on some little things, I wonder how everyone would be...

In another note...

.... all these things you think you choose for yourself... they are after all a consequence of things. So in a way...maybe you are being led to the path you don't even want. It only feels like you are choosing this path by yourown might...but in reality...that is not really true.

The facade of freedom? At the end...is everything being controlled?.

what matters...

I guess the hard part to understand about girls from guys is the simple fact of how important the small things can be taken. For so many girls....simple...small things weigh more in value than big things...

From simple things they can find out how much a person really care about them.... I don't know why it's so hard to understand you know... I mean...some things are ok..granted stupid!! ...such as remembering birthday for instance..or the day you first met...those things could be seen as knitty gritty things..and worthless in reality even...but sometimes small behaviors/actions that one cannot really notice can have a great affect on the other person. I am sure everyone has experienced something similar to this...may it be from your partner or from a friend..colleague...acquaintance anyone for that matter. You get hurt by people's negligence ... Something so meaningless could harm a lot to some... I know no one can avoid that!! If I said I have never done that once in my life...that would be lying. After all how would I know what hurt others... Everyone has their own level of tolerance. Maybe I shouldn't even complain about it, because I may have done the same thing to someone in my life. That doesn't mean what happened didn't make me any sadder. ^_^

Why am I talking about this? well... that's another story. I guess, I should just let it go...but for me I guess it does mean a lot you know? Maybe to a lot of people it would seem just cruel...or maybe some even just ignore it like it's nothing...but me? hmmm what can i say... I guess I am one of those people who like to take a little things and turn it into a huge thing :P

Ah well...i think it's messed to not consider how it would impact others on the comments they make... (Maybe I should heed my own words? ) If it was a stranger ... ok I would understand...coz they don't know any better... even if it was acquaintance or distant friends I would care less....but from someone you actually care about??...it's just a bit too hard to swallow.

I guess that's how life is... touche'...
live and learn to ignore...
or
live and do something if u can do something about it rather than Bsing here in the blog right? :P

I know I know...I got it...

Freedom worth Cherishing

The season of fall was in the air,
I noticed myself changing colors.
Ready to depart the only life-line,
To be bounced around the skies.

As the cool wind blew past me,
The heavy burden was being lifted.
Refreshing thoughts spawned,
Washing away inner pessimism…

Is it freedom that I breathed in?
Being afloat in the air above?
Without any external pressures,
I felt peace extending deep within.

Freedom to roam about freely,
I sprang from here to there.
Enjoying the uplifting feeling…
Before the end of a short journey.

Fluttering of a Heart

With an enchanting…yet a subdued smile,
You wandered around the dreamland.
Awaiting a glimpse…just a tiny glimpse,
Of a butterfly that fluttered your heart.

Longingly you gazed upon me calmly,
Eyes filled with fiery passion from within.
With a growing tremble in your heart,
You longed to reach out and touch me.

Enamored and enchanted I seemed…
In a moonlit night skies by the waterfall,
As if communing with the nature…
Things seemingly dissolved around me.

With an extended hand, you reached out…
Bewildered, I stood motionless…watching...
With a sweet smile…you walked towards me,
Intensely, I was keeping up with all your steps.

With elegance, you swiftly lifted me up,
At an instant I held you tightly without hesitation.
Flushed I was from the moment’s contact,
As unknown warmth spread deep inside…

Unexpected shyness grasped from within,
As passion burned deep within our hearts…
The fluttering wings of a butterfly soared high,
As the fluttering hearts of our shifted its gears…

Blackened Tears

Numbness spread its wings,
As fear overcrowded within…
Filled with terrible pain & panic,
I succumbed to the might of tears.

Tears...that had no hint of joy,
Tears...that had no trace of hope…
Blackened tears...they were,
For it saw no colors of the life.

Just as the sunshine spreads,
Forcibly darkness reveals itself…
Crystal clear as the tears may be,
Unparalleled was its spitefulness.

Connected it was deep in my heart,
Living the nightmarish world within…
Waiting on a chance for retribution,
To flood the gates without mercy.

Tears of stream ran down my cheek,
Tears that will no longer believe…
Tears that will see no wonders,
Tears that had dried out in misery.

Joys of Travelling??

So here was the great adventure ...well sort of LOL.... Woohoo right? :P (not!!...well it was alright to tell ya the truth). So what else can I say...every place is the same!! In a sense that's always true I guess because ...what does every place have? People, houses, cars, trees and so on... So here I am about 6hrs away from home...as if it's soooo far away right? (:-D) It's a quiet little town if you're used to living in a place with high rises. I haven't seen any high rises as of yet. Maybe I am still in the outskirts of little towns and haven't broken the barrier to the real city :P

Anyway, they put me in this hotel...Marriott!! supposed to be a great and fancy fancy place..(not what you call a luxury hotel but still you know..it's supposed to be one of the good ones). Okay so here I was all tired from the drive and I go to sleep and first day I thought the bed was kinda feeling funny. But I pay no attention to it you know...maybe I was too tired..who knows!!! I managed to sleep through the uneasiness. Next day comes around and as soon as I enter the bed, guess what??... I get itchy :-S What the heck was that? I thought it was just me being paranoid you know? But I wake up in the middle of the night again and I can't stay on the bed at all. So I stay out and still couldn't sleep. When it comes to itchiness I just can't help it...as soon as it start there is no stopping my paranoia. I started thinking about that movie I saw where there were bugs on the bed and the guy gets rash all over.

I used to think "Don't let the bed bugs bite!!" was one of those things that you say to the kids just for the heck of it you know.... Guess this proved me wrong :P
Well I didn't notice anything at first...but guess what....next day...I look at my arms and legs and it had bites all over!! The joy!! :S I never had a bed bug bite before !! :S I thought it was some allergic reaction...told them to change the room and all and they did. But the paranoia had already started you know....there was no way for me to get it outta my head now. So it takes a while ...to get adjusted to the new settings and it's all fine. But the stupid bug bites hasn't still receded :-( What a welcoming from the little critters...they had a feast!! LOL.... red wine fiesta!! :P Ah well...my arm ain't looking any good though... as a matter of matter...it looks gross!!! I don't even wanna look at it. I was always one of those people who get allergic reaction rather quickly you know...so this ain't helping at all if you know what I mean... It's been about a week.. and it still there :S First two days it was tiny and wasn't itching as much now it's like red and itchy.. :S I want revenge re kya !! :P (tit for tat you know!! ) LOL... Now I think I will always be paranoid about hotels :P

Other than that...this place has pretty little beach and park areas. I wasn't expecting anything grand so it's like whatever...ok I am here... now what :P LOL... The GPS is an interesting piece of tool that you will want to kill after about 5 min of usage...lol I mean, come on!! I can lead myself into the dead-ends!!! I don't need no GPS telling me to go to dead-ends!! It reminded me of that commercial in tv...where the GPS tells you to make a turn and the turn leads you to the house!! LOL...it's a grand tool...don't ya think so!! Well, although it has it's downs..it does have its upsides too I suppose. Thank goodness I didn't drive into the house !! :P It's a joy I tell ya (:-D). Have to give it a try at least once and try to choke it..:P LOL... You get to the point where you don't know what to do...laugh? or cry? LOL...it's a moment to cherish I suppose LOL...

Fortuitous Wave

Waves crashed and formed in the distant,
Undulating in the vastness of the ocean.
As the sun sank into the horizon,
The horrendous pressure was felt all around.

What fortunes did it bring for me?
Or is it misfortunes that I tried to avoid dearly?
Seemingly troublesome at a glance…
I could prolong the decisions only so long.

Two options arose before my eyes,
As the wave took shape right ahead of me…
Huge it was…as tall as an Eiffel tower,
Fearful, I cowered beneath its shadows.

Ride the wave as it came along…
Or, let it pass over me as if it’s nothing?
Overwhelmed with thoughts of change,
Decision faltered every passing moment.

Mixed feelings started to aggravate me,
Giving forms to the anxiety felt within.
Apprehensive of other’s notice,
I hid in corners…avoiding any distractions.

Decision was my own and not any others,
Discussions…however, were inevitable.
Cramped for space, I sought out open places,
Refreshing air gearing up my now refreshed mind.

Prepared to ride the wave with minimal doubts,
Unbalanced as I was, but I hung on strong.
May it be fortunes, or misfortunes?
Ready I was to take the plunge in deep waters.

Frozen Dreams

Light headed and dizzy,
My tired…puffy eyes try to focus.
Drained of energy,
I, again…manage to read a few lines.

As instant as it was,
The words lose all meaning.
Wave of nausea strikes,
As my eyes move without focus.

Pen lies restless at the desk,
Just as I have lain restless for days…
Paper in my hand…but…
Mind frozen from the night ahead.

Pen held out, I am poised to write …
Smoothly as ever, ink pours into the paper.
As water trickling down into the stream,
Words flow without thought.

Slow in fashion…yet with rhythmic beauty,
Filled with many hidden emotions…
I cry in vain…to be understood,
Of dreams that lay frozen…frozen forever.

In Search of Clarity

Knowledge of extreme woe,
Grips you in your throat.
Harder it becomes to swallow,
As the hold start to choke you…

Yearning for the next breath,
You reach out toward the glow.
Tantalizing, it appears within reach…
But again…it fades into the distant.

You realize yourself giving way,
As your strength seemingly melt away.
You let out your final frustrations,
When confusion binds you at bay.

Stalled at the edge of an abyss,
Jaded…your thirst intensifies.
The thirst for some clarity,
Clarity in the purpose to move on…

Unfounded logic strikes chord,
As thoughts reverberate within.
Emotions pull you out unwillingly,
As past memories give you strength.

Mentally stressed…physically in duress,
Grip on your throat lightens momentarily.
The glow ahead of you materialize,
As clarity presents itself with open arms!!

Into Scary Movies?

So here I was awake at the dead of the night… I had no idea how to keep myself busy. I tried to sleep but I was restless I suppose…even laying in the bed make me extremely uncomfortable. My computer was on… I sometimes keep the music going while I sleep hoping it will take away my incessant thoughts from not entering and ruining my dreams. Dreams being ruined were not the problem of the day tonight however… I browse through the couple of sites already bookmarked and I come across this movie 1408. What is it about scary movies that make people want to watch it at nights? Why do people want to get scared sometimes? Is it to prove to oneself that they are not scared or they will not get easily scared as those people in the movies? I am asking myself that question as I start downloading it…

Although I am a fan of scary movies, I don’t like watching it by myself at thunderous nights and so on :P I mean, it is just going to entice my mind more. And what if you have to go downstairs in the dark or something? :P Nah…I won’t let my mind start getting too imaginative here…especially with all those stories I have heard about ghosts and witches and what nots!! It’s like completely engrained in my head…can’t be forgotten no matter the cost. Believe me, I have tried to forget them too…it still lingers on.

I do however like those home theaters all set up to watch scary movies at night with friends :P It’s sort of a thrill I suppose…the adrenaline gets going and you’re at the edge of your seat and so on...if it’s made good that is. Most of the time, scary movies are not made so great…so the whole thing is like a waste of time. Oh yeah …can’t forget the part where you can join in to scare your friends too :P You’ve got to enjoy that!! Much more mature version of childhood hide and seek, I say !! :P Maybe it’s because the Halloween is so near, that I am interested in watching scary movies…who knows?? (Or maybe it’s completely unrelated to anything, maybe I just happen to see that in the list and just pick it at random because that’s the one that I have most recently heard the review of :-) ). Doesn’t really matter does it?

I remember Halloween…it’s fun for kids I guess…well adults too :P (fun loving adults!! :P)
Go around scaring one another :P (come on!! Who can resist scaring people right? ) You can even go and try those haunted forest and castle/home walks!! One thing that spoils this is that you go in groups…and the people in front of you will react before you and then you won’t be scared anymore because you would have already seen it coming. But even then, it’s always fun watching people getting scared. :-) And if you’re distracted enough…who knows you may even find out whether you really get scared or not and how you’d react to things!! :P Still long ways to go before that day tho!! Enjoy preparing for it…!! Plan on scaring and being scared !! :P

If you’re really itching to be scared sooner than that, then get a really good scary movie…get all the sound system ready. Then choose the thunderous night when you’re home alone…and Enjoy!!

Goodbyes...

Goodbyes are always hard ain’t it? I wonder why though… People come and go from your life all the time…one would think you’d be used to it by now. When you’re young, it’s one thing to believe that friends will last forever. As you grow up however, you realize that’s not the case always. Best friends will have their own life too later on, and you won’t be the center of attention (everyone wants to be the center of attention, :P well maybe not everybody :D ). You learn to move on as time passes on, so why again is it so difficult to say goodbye to begin a new chapter on life? It’s a conundrum.

Goodbyes are a must however… so I guess I might as well muster up all the emotions and give it a proper close.

I had been preparing to say goodbye for a long long time. It’s not like that I thought it would be really easy but I hadn’t thought that it would be really that hard either. When I finally broke the news, which happened sporadically by the way because I had been postponing every day to break it to them, I was totally taken off-guard by the reaction. I knew this would shock them for one and would also leave them at a awkward position….that was the main reason of me delaying the breaking of the news. But however I thought this would be a perfect time to tell …rather than let them carry on and think that I’d be staying there longer and plan for the future. So I explained to them and thought I had fully answered all their questions too but I was even more taken by surprise when I got the one on one talk for an hour. I was speechless…I felt really bad. I mean I was at a loss for words, I just listened on. These people are like my family!! I take their opinions very seriously and with all the emotions out there…I really didn’t know what to say at all. And even now, if I think about it…I get this feeling of deep sadness. It really was a bad timing on my part…but one can never predict things in life. Things happen at the worst of times right? I have been thinking about it for a long time and I had made the decision that would be best for me…and I would miss everyone greatly. I truly have learned a lot from them and they’re one of the best of people I have ever met in my life. I have very high regards for them.

I can remember the first day, as anyone can tell from the moment they talk with me…they’ll say I am not much of a talker…very true in fact. I remember one of my friends in high school saying that I look so serious and non-approachable. :D (I won’t argue with that either!! :P ). It takes me a really, really long time to open up to people and talk. It has always been like that…unless with those random people who are really talkative. With some people it’s like hitting the right chords with them you know?...I can talk on and on forever at the first time I meet them. Most of the time however, it’s not the case and I remember here…it took me almost a year perhaps for me to talk a lot have long conversations about “nothing” in particular. I love the talks on ‘nothing’!! :-D There is just this incredibly irresistible charm on that topic…what can I say? :-D

So, after three years of working…I have gotten close to people and I have learned a lot on the process as well. They are a very nice group of people...very helpful, caring and kind, etc. They are never shy on sharing their knowledge…and they are always there to listen to your ideas. They have an open mind and they never put you down. I have heard quite a lot from friends while in school, on how horrible jobs were out there…but luckily my first experience was just so wonderful. It was nothing like what they had described…for instance of discrimination, bosses treating you as nothing, never listening to you…how you’re like a speck of sand in the desert in big companies and such. I hope to not encounter such things but I guess eventually I will encounter those instances as I move on in life…

Here…I loved the people I had the chance to work with. They truly are great colleagues and great friends but life must go on…and things change and so do I have to make my decisions accordingly for the better or for the worst (hopefully for the better :-D …but challenges are always out there to keep life entertaining isn’t it? :P). These past few days, I have been thinking a lot… reminiscing as well. I wonder why when it’s time to say goodbye … you think of all the wonderful moments!! And then again… there’s that tinge of sadness knocking at the door…I have thought quite a bit and still no words of closure have formed in my mind.

Influential People In My Life

Okay, so … October is my month you know. I feel obligated to write something at least….I mean come on…how can I not write anything right? :P

So I sat around for like hours and hours trying to think of something to put here. My thoughts are very jumbled up these days. So many things are happening and it feels like it’s happening all at once too…so I am kind of at a loss for words, thoughts, etc.

I was thinking one of those days where thoughts tend to pour out of nowhere…who is the most influential person I met in life? Now, it’s not like you only meet one person in your life that has affected your life in a positive way…there are literally a ton. At times I seem to forget them too…which is a shame but there are certain people that you can never forget you know. One of the people was one of my teachers in elementary school. Yeah I was very young then….I had just come from Nepal in fact. I was in DC….boy!!!…DC schools… LOL… I don’t know what to say about them. We had come when the school year was about to end but they had told us we can sit in the class just to get the feel for it. Oh wow!! The class they put me in … OMG… it was sooo rowdy. I was shocked to see people throwing papers and talking loud (to which it seemed to me like they were screaming out as if they were about to DIE) like crazy. Then when the teacher enters….no one stops!! Amazed I looked at them…and ask myself… Is this a real school?? It was the most horrible class I had been… I would never want to be in that class ever!!

So when the real school year began, I was hoping against hope to not be in the same class I was at before. Thank goodness, I was in the other class. When I came from Nepal, I was in a different state of mind. I had practically given up in studies…it didn’t matter to me (for reason I am not going to talk about here). So here was this teacher, Mr. McFadden. I was a shy type of person…probably even right now. :P He was an awesome teacher…He probably doesn’t even know how much he had influenced me in studying. I loved studying after being in his class. He always had this great personality, and he seemed to love teaching. Teachers who love to teach, I truly admire them…it’s a tough job!! He became like a source of encouragement to me. I, all of a sudden wanted to study. I remember, spending so much time actually studying!! (What happened to me now?? :-S ) I went home after school and I would go to my room and study study study.. while everyone else would enjoy watching TV. For once in my life, there was someone encouraging me to be better ..it was a great feeling.

Those days, were weird. When we just came here…no one but us siblings used to be home. We would come home and do our things… most of it would be watch tv :P But that’s how it was, I don’t even remember when we shifted to talking in English all the time..
Mr. James McFadden…my first teacher in US (I will always remember his smile…), I feel bad that I never kept in touch with him. I would have liked to thank him though…for everything. I remember those times, when I had … well .. lets not go there :-) He was the first person in many others to follow who I thought encouraged me and had somehow influenced me in my life.

I can write and talk about all of them here, but that would take ages… However, I would like to take this moment and thank everyone who came in my life…whether it was for a short or long amount of time. Everyone will share and pass some knowledge as they meet new people in their life…and some would affect one another in a positive way and some would affect one another in a negative way…but all in all everyone will learn as they move on in life. If we didn’t meet anyone in life, we wouldn’t learn all the things there is to learn would we now? :P So here, I will also thank those who read and comment on these silly pieces I write too. I appreciate all the comments and encouragements!!

:-) You too, play a role in my life ~.^_^.~

Powerful Words

Here are few quotes from the book I am reading currently [So Long a Letter by Mariama Ba] that stood out to me the most.

"The power of books, this marvellous invention of astute human intelligence. Various signs associated with sound: different sounds that form the word. Juxtaposition of words from which springs the idea, Thought, History, Science, Life, Sole instrument of interrelationships and of culture, unparalled means of giving and receiving. Books knit generations together in the same continuing effort that leads to progress. They enabled you to better yourself. What society refused you, they granted...."

When people usually have to escape the reality, they try to busy themself a lot. I guess it's human nature to avoid things that make you feel sad and hurt. But many people...at this critical moment go towards drinking, smoking, and other drug related ways that keep their mind away from reality even though it's just for a moment. You drink till the point you blank out or you get high and you are no longer thinking of your pains...for a moment you are in a total bliss. Then there are some who try to avoid the pains in a different way...trying to keep themself busy: working hard, exercising, taking classes, reading books and novels, listening to music, etc. Although this is a tough way to go about it, this might be the most productive and positive way in moving forward in life in many cases. Rather than destroying your mind and body by being depressed, you be strong and slowly head toward the future.

Books are indeed a marvellous invention. I remember those days when I made 'school' my solace...it was a place where I no longer had to think. A place where I could avoid everything and be free in a way... You read novels and you can let your imagination run wild... Your interest peak while reading about new technologies and space exploration... you start thinking...so great are human minds... It gives you hope and strength to go on... It gives you motivation when you need it the most.. When no one can be there to share your pains, you perservere by reading stories of others and sharing similar circumstancial situations...


"The dried blood from the wounds leaves dark and repulsive stains on the ground. Cleaning them up, I think of the identical nature of men: the same red blood irrigating the same organs. These organs, situated in the same places, carry out the same functions. The same remedies cure the same illnesses everywhere under the sun, whether the individual be white or black. Everything unites men. Why, then, do they kill each other in ignoble wars for causes that are futile when compared with the massacre of human lives? So many devastating wars!! And yet man takes himself to be a superior being. In what way is his intelligence useful to him? His intelligence begets both good and ill, more often ILL than good."

This quote says it all...I got nothing more to add.


"...One is a mother in order to understand the inexplicable. One is a mother to lighten the darkness. One is a mother to shield when lightning streaks the night, when thunder shakes the earth, when mud bogs one down. One is a mother in order to love without beginning or end."

It's hard to be a mother!! I appreciate everything that my mother has done in order to give her children a better life. Life can't ever be easy for anyone...but for mothers', I believe it's 1000X harder.... No matter how hard her life is, they have to pretend to be happy...and try to put a happy face in front of their children....they can never just give up and leave...for their children are the pillars that hold them together!!

Love Waiting?

So here I am just like always, I wake up with my heart racing…it’s not really racing in a good sense you know LOL… Probably I have high blood pressure :S or maybe something else is wrong with me. I try to avoid doctors…for some reason. I think it’s best if I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Well that’s what I say now… I know I know… I hear “The Lectures” all the time from colleagues and friends not to mention families. But you know what??… I don’t think I am at all alone in this. It’s been way too long since I have gone to the doctors…and you know how doctors are too. You have to tell them what you want tests done for exactly…otherwise if you just make a physical check-up appointment, they don’t do anything at all but charge you $200 dollar anyway. LOL…

Last time I went there to get some ear-drops… Well actually, I wanted their expert opinion on why the heck my ears were hurting to be exact. Then, of course after the usual waiting period of about 2 and half hours in the waiting area, they finally decide to take me inside the test room to wait another 40 minutes. (at this time counting hairs is not an options :P Not that counting hair was entertaining by any means....LOL). But definitely by this time...you really don’t know whether to hate the doctor or really love them coz you’re so much in pain due to high fever and such or nausea from hospital smell… At the end…you are just soo happy that you can cry that they were able to see you today and not tell you to go home coz they have to leave in 5 minutes.

Then finally the doctor shows up, asks me how I am doing and such. I say bla bla…and I came for this and then they look at my ear with a light on and say hmmm… “Do you swim a lot?” :S Heck no…I don’t swim a lot :S The last time I swam was like at couple of months ago … plus I rarely swim even though I do like it.

And after that she writes me a prescription for some antibiotic ear-drops and that was it. The bill that came at the end of the month was like close to $300. I was shocked… I should be a doctor!! :-D And plus…that didn’t really help me…now I am very much reluctant on going there again with the same problem :S I noticed it hurt just as bad when I flying to other place…ear popping doesn’t help matters much. (Well I guess I’ll think about that for a while or wait till it starts hurting again before I decide to call them and make an appointment which probably will be after 3 months later coz of their such hectic schedules… )

It’s such a pain!! First work out schedule with the doctor …then find out if this could be possible with work schedule then…finally after re-shuffling for about 100 times…get an appointment set for 3 months later that works. Then by that time it doesn’t hurt anymore and the appointment won’t make any sense! :P Miracle of doctors.. :-D You don’t even need to go to doctors…you’re all better!! Well winter is just around the corner…maybe I should plan ahead for my future sickness. ~.^_^.~ And this time I am gonna be extra ready with ipod, novel, and maybe even a laptop handy :P

Enuff of complaining… I think I should rather use this time to learn something new :-) or maybe try n improve my memory skillz.

Cancer Update from Johns Hopkins

Since this is good information to share and I got it in email from someone, I thought why not share ~.^_^.~

No plastic containers in micro

No water bottles in freezer.













No plastic wrap in microwave...

A dioxin chemical causes cancer, especially breast cancer.

Dioxins are highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies. Don't freeze your plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic.

Recently, Edward Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at Castle Hospital, was on a TV program to explain this health hazard. He talked about dioxins and how bad they are for us.

He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers...

This especially applies to foods that contain fat.

He said that the combination of fat, high heat, and plastics releases dioxin into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body...

Instead, he recommends usin g glass, such as Corning Ware, Pyrex or ceramic containers for heating food... You get the same results, only without the dioxin. So such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc., should be removed from the container and heated in something else.

Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. It's just safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc.

He reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons..

Also he pointed out that plastic wrap, such as Saran, is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food.

Cover food with a paper towel instead.

This is an article that should be sent to anyone important in your life!

Damsel Forever in Distress

Thru a tiny crevice, you entered my life…
It was in shambles…no lies would hide it,
Efforts seemed wasted, though I tried my best…
Fallen I remained, for I chose to see no light.

Although apparently you never attempted,
Understanding would have been unattainable.
Closed I was…forever to you and the world,
Not a hint of my feelings would I let it slip away.

A new persona had been erected in place,
In place…for a seemingly ruined soul,
I stand here now, as strong as I could feel…
Though broken within, not a trace was visible.

With hopes of better future and life for you,
I bade a final farewell without shedding any tear.
No longer a damsel in distress in your eyes,
Full of love and care...I departed at long last.

Though of heavy-heart…surely you as well,
My appreciation for you remains inside forever,
For lending a shoulder to a random stranger,
Wishing you happiness, I walk forth with strength.

Fruitless Mind Games

Effortlessly forging ahead…
Through perilous obstacles,
Gorges seemed to form…
Right beneath our bases.

Disarray overwhelmed us,
As our mind became delusional…
Wild transformations developed,
Without any sort of realization…

Fused with reality and illusion,
Confusion immobilized our mind…
Unfocused we became at once,
We had undermined our rationale…

Willing with immense pressure…
Away from all paranoid delusions,
Striving…not to be fazed by it all,
Our best efforts were put forth…

Mind over matter, a silly connotation?
Outwitted and outmaneuvered,
My illusory ideals were taking over,
Slimming…a tiny glimmer of hope!!!

Nonexistent Existence

Though stilled at heart,
But as passionate as ever…
I walked a precarious path,
Path as that of a lone wolf…

Disguised simply as a drifter,
I walked a thousand miles…
Following a path of a stranger,
In a land full of foreigners…

Demanded of anonymity,
No place for negligence…
I passed in and about,
Keeping as low a profile…

Strong-willed and stubborn,
Blatantly, I disregarded others…
For…not a hint ought to remain,
Of my nonexistent existence…

Forever Scarred

Flat on the grassy hill,
I would lie on my back.
Without awareness,
Staring blankly up ahead.

With a momentary gust,
Clouds would disperse.
As if being chased apart,
Splitting the huge cluster.

As I stare at the chaos,
I would close my eyes.
Battle would rage on,
Inside…just like up above.

Tossed here and there,
With no particular direction.
Howling would arise instantly,
Chaos alighting with fury.

Battered and ruffled,
Things would get torn apart.
Scarring images would form,
Forever burned in my eyes.

As if in a nightmarish dream,
I awaken with a start.
Lingered feeling of unease,
Would forever be unscathed.

Wishful Thinking

Quietness of the surrounding,
The subtleness of nature,
Calmness would start to spread,
Penetrate deep within my soul.

Million stars would twinkle above,
One at a time…as if to greet me,
Winking at me and smiling,
Acknowledging my gaze upon them.

With a smile I would gaze farther,
Searching … for some recognition,
As if to answer my question,
Waving excitedly, a star would pass by.

Senses would heighten,
Spirited...my heart would flutter,
Wishful thinking…

Once again would reverberate within.

Wake Up!!!

So, I thought I was out of it all....you know!!....freedom at last?? :-S

It's ever so shattering to learn that you are never really free in a sense. So I am done with school ... and here I was, excited at not having to be forced to do presentations, papers... and such for at least a while.. (well i say at least a while here..because I know you can't ever get away from that. Eventually, you will work and there you are!!.. stuck again :-P)

Well that time has come for me as well. "No more vacation sweetheart!! ", someone yells..
You can only get away from it all for so long.... "That's ain't how the world works dear!" Get cracking!! says a friend of mine. (Awww....how insensitive :-(.... Dreams of being in paradise Shattered!! :P)

Whether you're at school or you're just on vacation..or you're working...you'll always be doing something that you want a break from. Why does the same thing you loved doing at one point in your life have to become a nuisance you know? I mean okay, here you are ...a painter.. Then your occupation becomes painting. But then painting was your love... you painted anything you wanted...it made you feel free!! Then you start to paint for others ... then they want things a specific way... you might even have to paint the same thing thousand times before they love it....and everything becomes work...and boring...and irritating.. Why does things have to turn out that way? :-(

That's why...for as long as I can ... I will try and avoid mixing business with my hobbies. Well technically, I don't have a hobby. Hobbies are completely different.... The more I thought about it, the more I realized that what I did at times for fun were not really hobbies of mine. Why do I say that? Well...because hobbies are things that you do when you have any time free (or more like...you would do it even if you didn't have time). You have a dull moment, you go there and start with your hobbies... Well in my case, I don't do that. I do draw occasionally, but that's just in rare times. I don't draw with passion... (well I draw with passion once in a blue moon :P) . This is why I don't put that in my list of hobbies.

Most of the times...it seems like every time I get bored..I would either sleep, watch tv, or watch anime..read manga or chill with ppl and bla bla all day long you know. But those things are random things, so you can't really call them hobbies. They're more like, let's see what I can do to kill time ...sorta things :-D
Well, I hope to find one thing that I love doing at any time.... This looks like a real challenge tho!!
"Challenges are what makes life interesting, no?" someone's line pop up in my head... Dang it!!! even when they're not here....it feels like someone is lecturing me :P (Paranoia Paranoia...cuckoo cuckoo!! LOL..)

Well ... here goes my trials... (maybe never-ending trials..but..it should keep me fairly entertained and bz for at least a while :-D)

Escaping the Inescapable

Feeling trapped…
Claustrophobic even,
Distance…
Distance was all I desired.

From whom?, From what?
I inquired upon myself.
Not a word could be mustered,
I had ignored…even myself!!

Middle of nowhere…
Distanced from everyone,
Anyone within sight,
Plainly ignored…

Amidst all the quietness,
My consciousness beckoned…
Aware but unaware,
I walked away blindly…

Standing there…Nowhere!
Left but only with tears…
Tears that fall without falling,
Standing alone…to start anew!

Moments to Capture...

Ft. Lauderdale Resorts:









Finally, after a long long long ride ... we're here:

Ahhhh...finally time to chill...in the cool water..









Leaving Lauderdale....beginning of the journey out in the sea





























Bahamas... (are we there yet?? *sigh...* It seems like a long trip if you watch out at the sea all the time... (was timing myself how long I could stare out to nowhere before I zoned out:-D))










Woohooo!! We're here ... at last !!
**********-----------------*****************

Trying to get a glimpse of Coral reefs...










An exciting adventure out in the sea...90 minutes of that and it's sea sickness time :-P










************----------------------*****************
Party at the Island...
The whole beach to about 50ppl....almost all to ourself!! Awesome!!

(Whole buncha frenly people... :-D)




























That's what I was doing.... Gazing out at the sea as if nothing in the world mattered!! :-) Beautiful place....




































Water is sooooooo clear and blue :D
you can even see the fishes right at the shore !! :-)



















Palm & Coconut Trees everywhere..... (i can't even tell the difference anymore :-S)
































Lizards are everywhere too !!! I heard people eat lizards too :-D Yumm yumm!! :P Delicious!!









Never seen this big cactus around my area!! :-)














International Baazaar in Bahamas... They got their own mini China Town!! :D





















Ocean so blue.... :-) Out there and in the middle of the sea again !!




















And this sums it all up!!
Goodbye... Sayonara... Adieu!!
Time to go HOME... home sweet home!! :-)