Unknown fear grasps from within,
Immobilizing you instantly...
Hiding within yourself,
Dangers you try and avoid.
You venture boldly,
Daring for challenges...
Mishap strikes,
Derailed once again.
Seemingly vengeful,
Nightmarish devil...
Destiny prevails,
Oh merciful Fates!!
Like a shattered glass,
That pierces through you...
So does the tragedies,
That befall in life.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Withering Away (No Firm Title to the piece has been established yet)
Part I
It was a dreary day. The sky was dark…covered with gray clouds as if a huge storm was brewing. It’s hard to believe that just a moment ago, the sun was bright and shining its light down on the beautiful garden in front of the house. That didn’t matter to her though, she had woken up all refreshed and ready to tackle any problems that would be thrown at her. The boundless energy seemed to vanish from her just like the gray clouds had taken over the glorious sunshine in an instance.
Today was no ordinary day however, she was used this sudden ups and downs of her moods. She couldn’t understand why all of a sudden she was taken over by this depression. She had even tried going to a psychiatrist once as suggested by one of her coworkers but there was no signs of success at all and in time, even the psychiatrist had given up hope on her. She had only gone to the doctor because she was forced to go; ultimately she knew that this would not work out.
She was an extreme introvert. She knew in her heart that she could never open up to anyone not even if it meant it would save her somehow. She never cared to share anything about her with anyone, be it friends or family. Distance is what she wanted from everyone and distance is what she got from everyone too…in a way. No one felt that way though, they always had thought of her as a sweet girl and cheerful too!! She was always there smiling and helping everyone out; never minding anything…even if someone got angry at her, she would calm them down somehow. She had that nature about her…everyone just adored her.
Even I thought of her as a cheerful person, only later did I realize that she was just like one of us. Every time I talked to her, never once did she mention her worries, problems, etc. Even when she was asked about her family or herself, she would brush it off ever so slightly or change the topic that no one would even notice it. I was one of those "no ones", just like everyone, I believed she was very happy and fine. People would get sick, look miserable because they had problems with friends or families but not once did I see a look of worry, or sadness in her.
Everyone thought of her as a close friend but little did we know that she had always kept herself distant from us. I had loved her company, she had helped me through lot of hard times in my life and as days passed on I had begun to spend more and more time with her. We had gotten quite close by the end of 2 years or so I had thought. There were few things she threw in as bait during our talks but she never had revealed herself to me even then. I realize this now!! What kind of friend was I??
One day, I had felt the need to take a walk at the park. I hate walking!!!… Nature walks should refresh your mind, health experts say, but it never worked like that for me. I’d rather enjoy a spoon full of strawberry yogurt to refresh my mind, mind you. I smiled at the thought. So, there I was walking, listening to music and I see her sitting at the edge of the pond staring blankly at her reflection in the pond, looking very sullen. I hardly believed my eyes.
I called out to her, trying to be sure that it really was her. As I walk close to her, I can see that she was wiping her tears away so I wouldn’t see her crying. She puts on her shades, fixes her hair a bit and waves at me, with a cheerful smile…the smile I am ever so familiar with. She looked just like always, making myself doubt my own vision of her crying. I have probably cried a million times in front of her and here she was…trying to hide herself away from me. My heart was crushed when I realized that she hadn’t trusted me to be her friend, to share all the pains and joys of life.
I pretended as if I didn’t notice she was crying and waved back happily.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, “I thought you hated walking!! “, she joked. How could she just change the way of talking so instantly? I could never do that even if I tried my best. If I am sad, until I feel better…I could never pretend like the way she was pretending that moment. “Yeah, something came over me today” I reply to her in between my thoughts. She walks ahead, and says, ”Lets take a walk then, it’s a gorgeous day…isn’t it? It’s always nice to walk with someone than no one”. I smile and walk along-side her.
Being with her was always nice. I loved her company; we were friends after all. I could talk about anything with her and that was exactly the thing that made me want to share everything about myself with her. I felt uncomfortable for a while, on what topic to talk about. I had never seen her sad like that before, but now it seems all that had changed…and yet I wasn’t so sure. No matter how perfect you are, there is no escaping some things and I knew this one was one of those things. I knew she wasn’t going to open up just like that and I hated to prod around people’s affairs if they didn’t want to share it. We talked about random things as we walked…laughing and smiling, enjoying the sceneries and each other’s company. Then I noticed a sudden change in her aura, when she slowed down in her talk and her walk. This gloomy feeling around her had extended as we walked in silence. I had never seen her like this…and it caught me off-guard. I stopped myself before I blurted out something stupid. I tend to be a big mouth sometimes…well most of the times, and I knew this was no time for jokes. I felt this was as serious as it could get. I decided to let her come out in her own time and share her misery with me. I walked along-side her in silence…worried. Even if she hadn’t taken me as her friend, I certainly did and I cared about her deeply. She was like a sister that I never had.
I had a sister once, or so I was told by one of the foster home employees. Her name was Shiela they had said when I inquired about my past. I was very young they said…when my sister ran away from this place. I don’t even remember the slightest thing about her…how I hate myself for that…even to this date!!! It was sad to say they wouldn’t give me more information than that. I left the foster home that day with more questions than before I had started my search into the past. I wasn’t too fond of that place, lot of bad memories linger from there still. An hour trying to persuade them to let out information about my past was too long. Nostalgia started taking over and I could no longer stand anyone anymore. I had to get away from there as soon as possible.
Bad memories!!! I hate how it persistently gnaws on you over and over. After a couple of days, I finally managed to get out of those vicious cycles of depression and I decided to follow up on my search. I was close with some of the older friends from the foster home, so I decided to track them and ask them whether they knew my sister. I made a list of the friends I still remembered. I had no idea tracking them would be so hard!! *sigh… There were points where I was so frustrated that I almost gave up my search but I pushed on. After a lot of digging up, I found out that one of my mates ‘Mya’ was right in the city as well. I guess it was fate, she knew my sister too. I was so overjoyed with that knowledge, I almost cried right in front of her. She looked very puzzled by my reaction. She thought I would be so happy she didn’t know what to say or do for a while. We sat in silence for what seemed like an hour before I started to talk again.
She told me that Shiela was brought in when she was ten years old and I was only a year or so. She swallows hard as she remembered her past memories. So many of us were left at the foster home, and abandoned by our parents. It brought back painful memories; I could see it in her eyes. “Your case was no different” she says. “I was watching it all over again!!…helpless!! Shiela had no one left!!” She cried all night and day and only stopped only when she noticed that you were crying uncontrollably at the same time. I guess she could feel your fear too, and she knew that she had to take care of you. I think for YOU alone…she knew that she had to be strong.
Mya told me that my sister was always with me…by my side, taking care of me. “Shiela was so protective of you” she told me. She used to watch you every moment, even when they took you for feeding and bathing. “When she found out that you were going to be taken away…, she couldn’t take it anymore.” Shiela literally broke down right there!!! Mya’s eyes filled with tear as she recalled the moments. She kept holding you, not letting them take you away from her till they snatched you right out of her arms!!!...leaving her all alone!! Torn apart from the only thing that kept her going…in a place where she didn’t trust anybody. “I remember trying to console her”, but I was very unsuccessful. She cried for days on end.
Next day…she goes on…When she was out in the play yard; Shiela went around asking everyone she could see and ran all over the place looking for you. They locked her up until she calmed down, and promised to let her go only then. Little did they know that she was planning to run away from the foster home and go in search for you…“her life-line”.
“Do you know where she is?” I had blurted out impatiently and slightly excited in the prospect of finding her again.
She was caught off-guard however and the look of shock was painted on her face. I was not prepared at all for the shock I was about to hear next.
She didn’t say anything for the longest of time. I started to get worried, “Is she okay?” What’s wrong Mya???? Tell me!!!! I shook her impatiently. Tears fell from her eyes as I shook her. I had no idea why she had stopped talking all of a sudden, why she had started crying… I could she her lips moving but no words were coming out…
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity she was able to muster up her voice to let out a few words audible for me to hear.
She whispered, “Your sister is dead…” It was barely audible but it was so distinct and clear for me. My silence after that few seconds lingered on forever.
They found her dead in … … … I was in total shock, nothing was even registering in my head. Without any words…I left her house…unable to grasp the information. I was dazed…shocked rather.
As I left her house, I can feel myself trembling. I thought I was going to fall down right there. There was nothing anymore…I was all alone in this world!!! That thought was going in circles on and on till the day passed. I was not even sure when I had gotten home or when the whole night has passed by. Everything felt so surreal.
This was the time I had met her at work. I had no direction at that time…I was totally lost. One day she came by my desk to ask me for something. Her name was Lilia; she had introduced herself before I even asked. I was still depressed at that time, it was written all over my face. I tried to hide it from everyone but it felt impossible. I knew I wasn’t able to get past the knowledge of my sister’s death that easily but this was just too freaking irritating. I couldn’t do my work!!!
She had come there asking to explain one of the reports that I had to finish but turned it without completing fully. I had snapped at her then out of nowhere, she just was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I felt so embarrassed then, I didn’t know what to say. I walked out of my office, excusing myself.
I didn’t know how to face her. I went to the rest room, washed my face with cold water to snap myself out of that phase. “What is wrong with me??” I snapped at myself. I was beating myself over it when she walked into the rest room and caught me totally off-guard.
“Is everything alright?” she asked me.
“You seemed so troubled…if there is anything I can do let me know.”
I didn’t know what to say to that and just apologized for snapping at her before. She let that pass as if nothing had happened before and just said, “I am a great listener”.
“Well that’s what people usually say anyway” she smiled and winked as she said that. I had thought she would be pissed off, but here she was being a friend to me when she had no obligation to be one.
This was how our relationship had begun. She had helped me through that great ordeal back then. I remember her being there every step of the moment from that day on. I grew to be very close to her then. I still remember to this date how I cried on her shoulders for days on end. I thought I would never be able to go and find out the whole story about my sister but even for that, she was there. I valued her friendship very much since then. Now seeing her like this, I was heartbroken. I wanted to be there for her just as she had been there for me.
She was still quiet, and I thought that she has forgotten she was walking along with someone…when suddenly she says, “You know…life is very unpredictable!!” With a look of surprise for a moment, and I let her talk on. “No matter how much you plan ahead and prepare for the worst, you are always taken by surprise. I wonder why that is?” she asked with a confused and distressed look on her face.
“Yeah…life is full of surprises…” I say with a sigh. The silence lingers on for a while.
“I guess…but why does all the surprises have to be so bad??” she says exhaling deeply to let all her troubles out.
I could tell that was a rhetorical question, rather I knew she didn’t want me to answer that…for she was deep in thoughts once again. The silence seemed to extend even farther with that statement.
I mustered up the confidence to ask, “Why? Is everything alright Lilia?” but the question seemed to be sucked right into this huge void that was growing around her. Before I could ask anything else, she was dodging her way out once again.
“Yeah… everything’s fine.” she said with a smile, again that same confident smile which gave no signs of worry or troubles. I was amazed at how she is able to put up a front in an instant just like that moment when I caught her crying hours ago.
“Shoot!! I completely forgot I had to pick up my friend at the airport today” she says in hurry and runs towards her car shouting “Sorry but I’ll catch you later okay?”
“Okay!!” I yell back, “I’ll catch you later!!”
That was the last time I saw her for couple of days. She had called in and taken a few days off from work. As the dust gets blown away at the slightest breeze…so did she. One moment she was there, and the next she was gone…without any kind of notice. I was the only one who kind of had a suspicion that she might be in distress. After two days of not showing up at work I thought I better go by her house to check-in on her…especially since she had turned off her phone as well.
As I walk to her house, I recall her saying one day “I usually tend to cut off all the connection with people if I feel miserable. I am just not a very talkative person when it comes to ‘talking it out your problems’”. I remember the exact moment she said that too; it was a surprise to me that she even let that information slip out of her.
“It all seems so fake to me…” she had let it trail off.
She was always so very conscious of what she said…always avoiding any information about her from slipping out. I should have noticed it right then, that she was in another zone when she said that. Her aura had changed…now that I think about it. I was too wrapped up on my own things to notice such subtle changes back then.
I stood in front of her house dwelling on that thought for a moment…contemplating whether I should ring the door bell or not. After a moment of hesitation, I rang the doorbell.
No response…rang it again…and again!!…No response.
I thought maybe she had gone out and decided to wait for a bit. After an hour or so, someone notices me sitting at the sidewalk by her house and yells, “Are you waiting for Lilia?”
I hurriedly get up and say “Yeah!! I thought I’d wait till she comes back.”
Then he says, I think she’s gone out of town. She mentioned something like that when I saw her last.”
Bit of panic runs through my body, ‘why would she just leave town without even mentioning to anyone?’
I was hurt by the thought that she didn’t even include me on it.
Then I thought, maybe something bad had happened to her. Why does all these negative thoughts surround you when you are worried even the slightest? I could never get that. I thanked him, as I walked away and random thoughts swam around in my mind.
I was clueless on what to do next. Should I go to the cops?
Yeah right, it’s not like she was missing or anything.
How would I prove she is missing anyway? I went home, and just stared blankly at the wall. What could I do? She had turned off her phone!!
Was I just being paranoid??
After all it had been only two days!! And people do go and skip town for a while to get away from problems.
“Probably it’s nothing!!” I say, not realizing I was talking aloud to myself.
I let the thoughts drift off and try to dissolve it away while making some coffee. I sat on the sofa, waiting for the coffee to be ready. I don’t even know why I made coffee. I hate coffee, but I do love the smell of coffee. I let myself get engulfed in the aroma hoping it will wash away my paranoia, but it never did. My thoughts had grown out of proportions; I was terribly worried.
As I sat there, I wasn’t even looking at the time. Nothing was registering in my head; even the timer for the coffee had gone off and had become a constant drone. I was just sitting there staring blankly off into space. It was already past 2am, and I had to get up early tomorrow. Suddenly, I come back to senses; and run to go get the coffee. It was still warm; I take a sip and swallow the bitter coffee as I breathe in the strong smell. It helped me calm down a bit. As I head toward my bedroom with the coffee, I realize coffee wasn’t going to help me sleep any better.
Slightly irritated at myself, I wonder what I should do. If I lay there…trying to sleep, I would never end up sleeping. The thoughts hadn’t left me yet. How could it?? She was like a family to me…it was a shame she didn’t think of me as one. I was distraught at the thought, then I would get annoyed at her for that and then just as instantly…worry would take over once again. I decided to check the mail before even attempting to sleep. I somehow needed to get this stress away. I needed to talk to someone…find a way to help her. I felt totally helpless. The more I felt that way, the more I was getting annoyed at myself for it.
After I logged on the computer, I signed on in AOL and went to CNN website to read the news while listening to music. This was what I always did when I got on the computer. “Some habits never change, I guess,” I said to myself.
As usual there was a “New Mail” pop up and as always I dismissed it thinking it was junk emails, which had sporadically increased after a month or two of opening a new account. I browsed through the CNN headlines. There was nothing new; I had done this just this morning at work. Irritated…I clicked on the “Inbox” with an intention to delete and send back hate mails of some sort as a reply. You don’t get that same satisfaction of ripping the junk mails into pieces as from pressing a delete button but as irritated I just needed to blow off steam.
I looked through some of the titles of the emails and started writing back to some, deleting the rest. It took a little time before I realized that my emails were bouncing back to my inbox. Annoyed!!!…I was about to trash them all when my eye caught on one email.
It had an odd subject “Unexpected Journey”; it set it off from other regular junk mails.
I didn’t know who it was from either, it said “from: lone traveler”.
I clicked on the email and to my surprise…it was from Lilia. It was a short email however but nonetheless it helped lessen my worries. As I read on, I noticed that she had written this email the day before.
“I shouldn’t have doubted on our friendship”, I said to myself. I felt a bit guilty for making myself believe that she didn’t trust me.
The email composed of basic formalities and briefly mentioned where/why she had to go and that she will be away for another week as well. She also asked if I could check up on her cat she had at her home. It was as if a heavy load was taken off of my shoulders. All those negative paranoid thoughts were instantly gone. I was much relieved but there was still this lingering feeling that she was only making excuses so that no one worried about her. I wrote back an email saying how worried I had gotten when I didn’t see or hear from her for days and that I can of course take care of the cat while she was gone. I also inquired why she had turned off the cell phone and run off so suddenly without any notice. I decided to add a P.S. at the end of the letter mentioning that I was available anytime for anything at all; even though every bone in my body told me that she would just look past that without giving it another thought.
After I sent the email, I looked at my watch and it was already 4am. “Shoot!!! I need to get some sleep,” I say it with a sigh. I went off to bed right away knowing now that I would finally be able to get some sleep.
In the morning, I wake up with a tear in my eye. I was dreaming of Lilia. She was crying beside me and I could do nothing to console her. I look at my watch all bleary eyed, I was still exhausted!!
Two hours of sleep was not nearly enough, but I had to be at work within 30 min. Daily routine…how I hated doing the same thing over and over!!
I quickly take a shower, grab an apple and run to work. I was eager to see her response to my email yesterday especially with that dream and all, I wasn’t sure if she was really okay. I didn’t see any new mails. ‘It had been only couple of hours!! Sheesh!!’ I say to myself, shocked at my own impatience.
“I guess I will drop by her house later in the day.” I decide to put this thought away for a while and get to work; there were just too many things to be done.
Day seemed like it would never end. It’s hard to believe that just yesterday…days seemed to pass in a flash. I guess I was anticipating an email or a call…just something…anything for that matter. I wanted things to be normal again, for her to be back and be the way she was always. My thoughts never really diverted from her even while I was doing my work. The seed of doubt was already planted in me; I couldn’t just dig it out instantly.
I decided that I needed a break. It was already time to get off and I thought maybe a walk would do me some good. My thoughts revolved around her as if I was obsessed about her. At worked, no one gave a second thought of Lilia taking couple of weeks off. Every time I started something with my colleagues inquiring about her, I just got simple lines like “I have no idea…She must be fine, she always is.”
It was a beautiful day today. As I walked, I remembered how she had mentioned ‘if she got fed up with one life, she’d just walk out of it’. I wondered if this was what it was. “Was this the end of our relationship? Was she going to be okay?” I asked myself silently as I walked on.
Her house was not very far from work; maybe about 30min walk. I didn’t even know how far I had walked until someone called out to me to say hello. To my surprise, I was already around her neighborhood.
I had frequented this place a lot since I used to hang out with her on weekends a lot. She used to say she was always available for me, so if I wanted to talk or anything just swing by. I wave hello as I walk past the neighbor deep in thought again. Since I was already around the area, I decide to stop by her house and check on the cat hoping it was not dead already. It’d been two days already…third now. I hurried off to her house…worried about the cat more than anything now.
I get to her house after a few minutes. The gardens looked dry and unattended…flowers were withering away…and the weeds were taking over mercilessly as if they were finally free to roam without bounds. There was a faint smell of decay as well…rotten, molded mulch, and such I supposed. It had only been three days now…I thought as I looked around. I remembered she had said that she left a key underneath a big rock at the side of the house. I fished through some stones not realizing which one it was especially since there was a pile of stones all around the corners of the garden. As I went around looking for the rock, I caught a sight on a figured angel shaped rock. It looked like it was carved and from the looks of it, it was quite old as well. I figured it had been sitting outside for quite many years. There were even signs of natural damage…it was a bit weathered down.
As I lifted the stone, lot of bugs crawled out of it…some getting all over my hand. I dropped it as instantly as I had picked it up. It might have been of sentimental value to her…I cursed at myself for dropping it like that.
As I looked at the bugs scattering away, I noticed the soil/mulch was pretty damp and soft from the earlier rain. I was relieved that the stone was not damaged. I waited a while watching all the bugs make their way away from the rock. I picked it up again, only after I made sure that everything moving was gone from underneath the stone. I move it aside and there it was…the key to the house as she had mentioned on her email. I take it and quickly go toward the fountain to wash it. Oh how I hate bugs!!! It makes me shiver even thinking about it.
----*-----*----*
I open the door and the first thing I notice is how stagnant the air in the place was. It was dark and layer of dust had already covered the tabletops as if no one had been around for quite a while. One thing that I did notice was the footprint of the cat all around the table. “Poor soul was probably looking for something to eat”, I talk to myself as I pass by the kitchen looking for the cat. I start to wonder if Lilia had left earlier on. It was a long weekend, four-day weekend at that. I hadn’t been hanging out with her in the weekend lately because of other commitments that I had. As I move around the room, I start to think that maybe she had left town long before even the workweek started. I only came to know about her departure after she was missing from work for two days, I walk around still in deep thought looking for the cat. I saw no signs of the cat anywhere inside the house. I guess it might have gone out through the cat exit installed in the back door.
I start heading toward the back door still wondering. As I open the door to the backyard, the cat jumps away from the trash-cans nearby startling me half to death. The whole area had started to look spooky especially with the setting sun; trees around the area gave a spooky shadow around the corners of the house. It took me a while to get back to my normal state. I shift my legs as I let the cat scurry past me inside the house.
It went past its tray looking at me with curious eyes hoping to get some food finally. I fished around the cabinets looking for cat-food. After finding it I poured some milk and food on its trays and I watched it eat hungrily.
As I look around the room, I start to think maybe opening some windows will be a good idea. Fresh air will do some good at least. I passed by the grandfather clock and I finally become aware of the time. I had left my stuff at work. Actually, I had just come for a short walk.
I go up the stairs looking at the plants on the windows. They needed to be watered badly. I fill the water bucket and water the plants as I checked each room. As I pass by her workroom, I notice the computer was still left “on”. I move the mouse just from the pure curiosity…’I can’t seem to stay away from computers’; I laugh at my own insidious behavior.
There were couple of files on the desktop and I saw her music folder. I decide to listen to music while waiting for the room to clear out of stale air. I had never been to her room before; it was a very organized place. The paintings on the wall brought the room to life a bit even in the darkness. As I go around looking at paintings and family portraits I wondered if I was intruding on her private life.
I go back to her work area and decide to check my work email since I had access to the computer anyway. I had just left work on a whim, without letting anyone know.
Wearily I look through the emails, “Thank god!” I whisper to myself as there was no email that needed an urgent reply. Lack of sleep from last night was taking its toll on me. I was suddenly very tired. As I listen to music, I start browsing through random files in the desktop. There was a document titled, “Withering Away”. Being a great fan of stories, I decide to open it…thinking it might be a good read. I used to download books from online and read at my convenience. It got rid of the hassles of carrying a book around too.
As soon as I opened it, I realized that it wasn’t a book. It was rather an entry in a diary of some sort. I had no idea that Lilia had a diary. I glanced at the first few sentences, and I couldn’t close it. As it is, I was worried about her and reading this I hoped that it might shed light on what was going on with her. I continued to read even though I felt like an uninvited intruder.
It was dated ten days ago…
Do you ever wonder why people go away to a quiet place…some scenic area…just when they are feeling down or lonely? NO!!! It’s not for enjoying the beauty of nature. You are a fool if you believed that!! Okay maybe I am lashing out…*sigh*…Perhaps, I am angry with myself for being such a person. All the times, when life is going around...you could care less about nature!! And when you feel bad that’s where you try and find solace…
It's like going to God, when you need something...even though you are well aware that you never prayed in your whole life…nor would you give a damn about God at any other times.
I guess when you’re confused you just want to be away from everyone…to try and find out solutions to your problems without any distraction.
…………………………………………………
Do you ever feel sad out of nowhere? You are in pain but you have no idea the source of it? It's been too long since my confession… No!!! Not one of those confessions you go to the priest and confess about!! But it’s the confession of the heart to your self. Living in denial, ignoring problems, pushing back at feeling...I guess I am a living example of ... a sort of like a "Pandora's Box". You know all the dread and pain will EXPLODE out of it at the slightest crack. All the bottled up emotions waiting…just waiting for the sweet taste of freedom...no longer wanting to be engulfed by darkness.
Maybe this is the reason why I want to…or feel the need to spend time in a quiet place…Left alone all by myself. My thoughts and me!
When thoughts start to pour out at an uncontrollable rate, that’s when you want to be wrapped around in someone's arm...be held close to their heart…hoping maybe…just maybe…that it will calm you down and help you face your fears…melt away the pain or at least ease it a bit. You hope that it will wash away the feelings that were bottled up since the ages...all lost in darkness creating a void deep within your heart...TRAPPING your soul inside it that it can't even recognize the difference between day and night. Voids filled…only with pain...and you keep questioning yourself …”will it ever go away?” You start hoping, begging rather for it to completely disappear, willing yourself to do the impossible.
When no amount of force or whining seems to fix your problem, you are left alone miserable and confused with no one beside you. You sit there staring blankly into space, wondering where life is taking you and what kind of place you are in…what’s in store for you…and where it is all leading you…
……………………………………………
There were no more entries after that… I felt that piece was very intense!! I had no idea that she had such deep feelings trapped within her. All kinds of thoughts started to take form in my mind. The feelings/aura oozing out of this entry was completely opposite of the persona that she showed at work. It took me completely by surprise.
I waited there…staring at the writing with unbelieving eyes…questioning to myself, “Could she have written this?” I couldn’t believe this could be her, I started making up ideas ‘maybe someone else had passed it off to her to read rather’.
The more I thought about it the more I got the feeling that maybe this was her true self. All those times we were friends she had always avoided talking about herself but there were always instances when she said something that completely caught me off-guard. I never thought twice about it then, but as I remembered instances now…it was becoming all clear.
I was deep in thoughts and out of nowhere, the cuckoo clock starts sounding.
Cuckoo!!! Cuckoo!!! …..
I never had one of those; I jumped at the sound of it coming from right around the corner. I check my watch; it was already 9pm. Time has been flying by these past few days.
I close all the programs and hurry off to close the windows and head out to my work before they closed the gates. I still had my car parked there and I was in no mood to walk this late at night from here to my home.
-------------X------------
It was a dreary day. The sky was dark…covered with gray clouds as if a huge storm was brewing. It’s hard to believe that just a moment ago, the sun was bright and shining its light down on the beautiful garden in front of the house. That didn’t matter to her though, she had woken up all refreshed and ready to tackle any problems that would be thrown at her. The boundless energy seemed to vanish from her just like the gray clouds had taken over the glorious sunshine in an instance.
Today was no ordinary day however, she was used this sudden ups and downs of her moods. She couldn’t understand why all of a sudden she was taken over by this depression. She had even tried going to a psychiatrist once as suggested by one of her coworkers but there was no signs of success at all and in time, even the psychiatrist had given up hope on her. She had only gone to the doctor because she was forced to go; ultimately she knew that this would not work out.
She was an extreme introvert. She knew in her heart that she could never open up to anyone not even if it meant it would save her somehow. She never cared to share anything about her with anyone, be it friends or family. Distance is what she wanted from everyone and distance is what she got from everyone too…in a way. No one felt that way though, they always had thought of her as a sweet girl and cheerful too!! She was always there smiling and helping everyone out; never minding anything…even if someone got angry at her, she would calm them down somehow. She had that nature about her…everyone just adored her.
Even I thought of her as a cheerful person, only later did I realize that she was just like one of us. Every time I talked to her, never once did she mention her worries, problems, etc. Even when she was asked about her family or herself, she would brush it off ever so slightly or change the topic that no one would even notice it. I was one of those "no ones", just like everyone, I believed she was very happy and fine. People would get sick, look miserable because they had problems with friends or families but not once did I see a look of worry, or sadness in her.
Everyone thought of her as a close friend but little did we know that she had always kept herself distant from us. I had loved her company, she had helped me through lot of hard times in my life and as days passed on I had begun to spend more and more time with her. We had gotten quite close by the end of 2 years or so I had thought. There were few things she threw in as bait during our talks but she never had revealed herself to me even then. I realize this now!! What kind of friend was I??
One day, I had felt the need to take a walk at the park. I hate walking!!!… Nature walks should refresh your mind, health experts say, but it never worked like that for me. I’d rather enjoy a spoon full of strawberry yogurt to refresh my mind, mind you. I smiled at the thought. So, there I was walking, listening to music and I see her sitting at the edge of the pond staring blankly at her reflection in the pond, looking very sullen. I hardly believed my eyes.
I called out to her, trying to be sure that it really was her. As I walk close to her, I can see that she was wiping her tears away so I wouldn’t see her crying. She puts on her shades, fixes her hair a bit and waves at me, with a cheerful smile…the smile I am ever so familiar with. She looked just like always, making myself doubt my own vision of her crying. I have probably cried a million times in front of her and here she was…trying to hide herself away from me. My heart was crushed when I realized that she hadn’t trusted me to be her friend, to share all the pains and joys of life.
I pretended as if I didn’t notice she was crying and waved back happily.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, “I thought you hated walking!! “, she joked. How could she just change the way of talking so instantly? I could never do that even if I tried my best. If I am sad, until I feel better…I could never pretend like the way she was pretending that moment. “Yeah, something came over me today” I reply to her in between my thoughts. She walks ahead, and says, ”Lets take a walk then, it’s a gorgeous day…isn’t it? It’s always nice to walk with someone than no one”. I smile and walk along-side her.
Being with her was always nice. I loved her company; we were friends after all. I could talk about anything with her and that was exactly the thing that made me want to share everything about myself with her. I felt uncomfortable for a while, on what topic to talk about. I had never seen her sad like that before, but now it seems all that had changed…and yet I wasn’t so sure. No matter how perfect you are, there is no escaping some things and I knew this one was one of those things. I knew she wasn’t going to open up just like that and I hated to prod around people’s affairs if they didn’t want to share it. We talked about random things as we walked…laughing and smiling, enjoying the sceneries and each other’s company. Then I noticed a sudden change in her aura, when she slowed down in her talk and her walk. This gloomy feeling around her had extended as we walked in silence. I had never seen her like this…and it caught me off-guard. I stopped myself before I blurted out something stupid. I tend to be a big mouth sometimes…well most of the times, and I knew this was no time for jokes. I felt this was as serious as it could get. I decided to let her come out in her own time and share her misery with me. I walked along-side her in silence…worried. Even if she hadn’t taken me as her friend, I certainly did and I cared about her deeply. She was like a sister that I never had.
I had a sister once, or so I was told by one of the foster home employees. Her name was Shiela they had said when I inquired about my past. I was very young they said…when my sister ran away from this place. I don’t even remember the slightest thing about her…how I hate myself for that…even to this date!!! It was sad to say they wouldn’t give me more information than that. I left the foster home that day with more questions than before I had started my search into the past. I wasn’t too fond of that place, lot of bad memories linger from there still. An hour trying to persuade them to let out information about my past was too long. Nostalgia started taking over and I could no longer stand anyone anymore. I had to get away from there as soon as possible.
Bad memories!!! I hate how it persistently gnaws on you over and over. After a couple of days, I finally managed to get out of those vicious cycles of depression and I decided to follow up on my search. I was close with some of the older friends from the foster home, so I decided to track them and ask them whether they knew my sister. I made a list of the friends I still remembered. I had no idea tracking them would be so hard!! *sigh… There were points where I was so frustrated that I almost gave up my search but I pushed on. After a lot of digging up, I found out that one of my mates ‘Mya’ was right in the city as well. I guess it was fate, she knew my sister too. I was so overjoyed with that knowledge, I almost cried right in front of her. She looked very puzzled by my reaction. She thought I would be so happy she didn’t know what to say or do for a while. We sat in silence for what seemed like an hour before I started to talk again.
She told me that Shiela was brought in when she was ten years old and I was only a year or so. She swallows hard as she remembered her past memories. So many of us were left at the foster home, and abandoned by our parents. It brought back painful memories; I could see it in her eyes. “Your case was no different” she says. “I was watching it all over again!!…helpless!! Shiela had no one left!!” She cried all night and day and only stopped only when she noticed that you were crying uncontrollably at the same time. I guess she could feel your fear too, and she knew that she had to take care of you. I think for YOU alone…she knew that she had to be strong.
Mya told me that my sister was always with me…by my side, taking care of me. “Shiela was so protective of you” she told me. She used to watch you every moment, even when they took you for feeding and bathing. “When she found out that you were going to be taken away…, she couldn’t take it anymore.” Shiela literally broke down right there!!! Mya’s eyes filled with tear as she recalled the moments. She kept holding you, not letting them take you away from her till they snatched you right out of her arms!!!...leaving her all alone!! Torn apart from the only thing that kept her going…in a place where she didn’t trust anybody. “I remember trying to console her”, but I was very unsuccessful. She cried for days on end.
Next day…she goes on…When she was out in the play yard; Shiela went around asking everyone she could see and ran all over the place looking for you. They locked her up until she calmed down, and promised to let her go only then. Little did they know that she was planning to run away from the foster home and go in search for you…“her life-line”.
“Do you know where she is?” I had blurted out impatiently and slightly excited in the prospect of finding her again.
She was caught off-guard however and the look of shock was painted on her face. I was not prepared at all for the shock I was about to hear next.
She didn’t say anything for the longest of time. I started to get worried, “Is she okay?” What’s wrong Mya???? Tell me!!!! I shook her impatiently. Tears fell from her eyes as I shook her. I had no idea why she had stopped talking all of a sudden, why she had started crying… I could she her lips moving but no words were coming out…
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity she was able to muster up her voice to let out a few words audible for me to hear.
She whispered, “Your sister is dead…” It was barely audible but it was so distinct and clear for me. My silence after that few seconds lingered on forever.
They found her dead in … … … I was in total shock, nothing was even registering in my head. Without any words…I left her house…unable to grasp the information. I was dazed…shocked rather.
As I left her house, I can feel myself trembling. I thought I was going to fall down right there. There was nothing anymore…I was all alone in this world!!! That thought was going in circles on and on till the day passed. I was not even sure when I had gotten home or when the whole night has passed by. Everything felt so surreal.
This was the time I had met her at work. I had no direction at that time…I was totally lost. One day she came by my desk to ask me for something. Her name was Lilia; she had introduced herself before I even asked. I was still depressed at that time, it was written all over my face. I tried to hide it from everyone but it felt impossible. I knew I wasn’t able to get past the knowledge of my sister’s death that easily but this was just too freaking irritating. I couldn’t do my work!!!
She had come there asking to explain one of the reports that I had to finish but turned it without completing fully. I had snapped at her then out of nowhere, she just was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I felt so embarrassed then, I didn’t know what to say. I walked out of my office, excusing myself.
I didn’t know how to face her. I went to the rest room, washed my face with cold water to snap myself out of that phase. “What is wrong with me??” I snapped at myself. I was beating myself over it when she walked into the rest room and caught me totally off-guard.
“Is everything alright?” she asked me.
“You seemed so troubled…if there is anything I can do let me know.”
I didn’t know what to say to that and just apologized for snapping at her before. She let that pass as if nothing had happened before and just said, “I am a great listener”.
“Well that’s what people usually say anyway” she smiled and winked as she said that. I had thought she would be pissed off, but here she was being a friend to me when she had no obligation to be one.
This was how our relationship had begun. She had helped me through that great ordeal back then. I remember her being there every step of the moment from that day on. I grew to be very close to her then. I still remember to this date how I cried on her shoulders for days on end. I thought I would never be able to go and find out the whole story about my sister but even for that, she was there. I valued her friendship very much since then. Now seeing her like this, I was heartbroken. I wanted to be there for her just as she had been there for me.
She was still quiet, and I thought that she has forgotten she was walking along with someone…when suddenly she says, “You know…life is very unpredictable!!” With a look of surprise for a moment, and I let her talk on. “No matter how much you plan ahead and prepare for the worst, you are always taken by surprise. I wonder why that is?” she asked with a confused and distressed look on her face.
“Yeah…life is full of surprises…” I say with a sigh. The silence lingers on for a while.
“I guess…but why does all the surprises have to be so bad??” she says exhaling deeply to let all her troubles out.
I could tell that was a rhetorical question, rather I knew she didn’t want me to answer that…for she was deep in thoughts once again. The silence seemed to extend even farther with that statement.
I mustered up the confidence to ask, “Why? Is everything alright Lilia?” but the question seemed to be sucked right into this huge void that was growing around her. Before I could ask anything else, she was dodging her way out once again.
“Yeah… everything’s fine.” she said with a smile, again that same confident smile which gave no signs of worry or troubles. I was amazed at how she is able to put up a front in an instant just like that moment when I caught her crying hours ago.
“Shoot!! I completely forgot I had to pick up my friend at the airport today” she says in hurry and runs towards her car shouting “Sorry but I’ll catch you later okay?”
“Okay!!” I yell back, “I’ll catch you later!!”
That was the last time I saw her for couple of days. She had called in and taken a few days off from work. As the dust gets blown away at the slightest breeze…so did she. One moment she was there, and the next she was gone…without any kind of notice. I was the only one who kind of had a suspicion that she might be in distress. After two days of not showing up at work I thought I better go by her house to check-in on her…especially since she had turned off her phone as well.
As I walk to her house, I recall her saying one day “I usually tend to cut off all the connection with people if I feel miserable. I am just not a very talkative person when it comes to ‘talking it out your problems’”. I remember the exact moment she said that too; it was a surprise to me that she even let that information slip out of her.
“It all seems so fake to me…” she had let it trail off.
She was always so very conscious of what she said…always avoiding any information about her from slipping out. I should have noticed it right then, that she was in another zone when she said that. Her aura had changed…now that I think about it. I was too wrapped up on my own things to notice such subtle changes back then.
I stood in front of her house dwelling on that thought for a moment…contemplating whether I should ring the door bell or not. After a moment of hesitation, I rang the doorbell.
No response…rang it again…and again!!…No response.
I thought maybe she had gone out and decided to wait for a bit. After an hour or so, someone notices me sitting at the sidewalk by her house and yells, “Are you waiting for Lilia?”
I hurriedly get up and say “Yeah!! I thought I’d wait till she comes back.”
Then he says, I think she’s gone out of town. She mentioned something like that when I saw her last.”
Bit of panic runs through my body, ‘why would she just leave town without even mentioning to anyone?’
I was hurt by the thought that she didn’t even include me on it.
Then I thought, maybe something bad had happened to her. Why does all these negative thoughts surround you when you are worried even the slightest? I could never get that. I thanked him, as I walked away and random thoughts swam around in my mind.
I was clueless on what to do next. Should I go to the cops?
Yeah right, it’s not like she was missing or anything.
How would I prove she is missing anyway? I went home, and just stared blankly at the wall. What could I do? She had turned off her phone!!
Was I just being paranoid??
After all it had been only two days!! And people do go and skip town for a while to get away from problems.
“Probably it’s nothing!!” I say, not realizing I was talking aloud to myself.
I let the thoughts drift off and try to dissolve it away while making some coffee. I sat on the sofa, waiting for the coffee to be ready. I don’t even know why I made coffee. I hate coffee, but I do love the smell of coffee. I let myself get engulfed in the aroma hoping it will wash away my paranoia, but it never did. My thoughts had grown out of proportions; I was terribly worried.
As I sat there, I wasn’t even looking at the time. Nothing was registering in my head; even the timer for the coffee had gone off and had become a constant drone. I was just sitting there staring blankly off into space. It was already past 2am, and I had to get up early tomorrow. Suddenly, I come back to senses; and run to go get the coffee. It was still warm; I take a sip and swallow the bitter coffee as I breathe in the strong smell. It helped me calm down a bit. As I head toward my bedroom with the coffee, I realize coffee wasn’t going to help me sleep any better.
Slightly irritated at myself, I wonder what I should do. If I lay there…trying to sleep, I would never end up sleeping. The thoughts hadn’t left me yet. How could it?? She was like a family to me…it was a shame she didn’t think of me as one. I was distraught at the thought, then I would get annoyed at her for that and then just as instantly…worry would take over once again. I decided to check the mail before even attempting to sleep. I somehow needed to get this stress away. I needed to talk to someone…find a way to help her. I felt totally helpless. The more I felt that way, the more I was getting annoyed at myself for it.
After I logged on the computer, I signed on in AOL and went to CNN website to read the news while listening to music. This was what I always did when I got on the computer. “Some habits never change, I guess,” I said to myself.
As usual there was a “New Mail” pop up and as always I dismissed it thinking it was junk emails, which had sporadically increased after a month or two of opening a new account. I browsed through the CNN headlines. There was nothing new; I had done this just this morning at work. Irritated…I clicked on the “Inbox” with an intention to delete and send back hate mails of some sort as a reply. You don’t get that same satisfaction of ripping the junk mails into pieces as from pressing a delete button but as irritated I just needed to blow off steam.
I looked through some of the titles of the emails and started writing back to some, deleting the rest. It took a little time before I realized that my emails were bouncing back to my inbox. Annoyed!!!…I was about to trash them all when my eye caught on one email.
It had an odd subject “Unexpected Journey”; it set it off from other regular junk mails.
I didn’t know who it was from either, it said “from: lone traveler”.
I clicked on the email and to my surprise…it was from Lilia. It was a short email however but nonetheless it helped lessen my worries. As I read on, I noticed that she had written this email the day before.
“I shouldn’t have doubted on our friendship”, I said to myself. I felt a bit guilty for making myself believe that she didn’t trust me.
The email composed of basic formalities and briefly mentioned where/why she had to go and that she will be away for another week as well. She also asked if I could check up on her cat she had at her home. It was as if a heavy load was taken off of my shoulders. All those negative paranoid thoughts were instantly gone. I was much relieved but there was still this lingering feeling that she was only making excuses so that no one worried about her. I wrote back an email saying how worried I had gotten when I didn’t see or hear from her for days and that I can of course take care of the cat while she was gone. I also inquired why she had turned off the cell phone and run off so suddenly without any notice. I decided to add a P.S. at the end of the letter mentioning that I was available anytime for anything at all; even though every bone in my body told me that she would just look past that without giving it another thought.
After I sent the email, I looked at my watch and it was already 4am. “Shoot!!! I need to get some sleep,” I say it with a sigh. I went off to bed right away knowing now that I would finally be able to get some sleep.
In the morning, I wake up with a tear in my eye. I was dreaming of Lilia. She was crying beside me and I could do nothing to console her. I look at my watch all bleary eyed, I was still exhausted!!
Two hours of sleep was not nearly enough, but I had to be at work within 30 min. Daily routine…how I hated doing the same thing over and over!!
I quickly take a shower, grab an apple and run to work. I was eager to see her response to my email yesterday especially with that dream and all, I wasn’t sure if she was really okay. I didn’t see any new mails. ‘It had been only couple of hours!! Sheesh!!’ I say to myself, shocked at my own impatience.
“I guess I will drop by her house later in the day.” I decide to put this thought away for a while and get to work; there were just too many things to be done.
Day seemed like it would never end. It’s hard to believe that just yesterday…days seemed to pass in a flash. I guess I was anticipating an email or a call…just something…anything for that matter. I wanted things to be normal again, for her to be back and be the way she was always. My thoughts never really diverted from her even while I was doing my work. The seed of doubt was already planted in me; I couldn’t just dig it out instantly.
I decided that I needed a break. It was already time to get off and I thought maybe a walk would do me some good. My thoughts revolved around her as if I was obsessed about her. At worked, no one gave a second thought of Lilia taking couple of weeks off. Every time I started something with my colleagues inquiring about her, I just got simple lines like “I have no idea…She must be fine, she always is.”
It was a beautiful day today. As I walked, I remembered how she had mentioned ‘if she got fed up with one life, she’d just walk out of it’. I wondered if this was what it was. “Was this the end of our relationship? Was she going to be okay?” I asked myself silently as I walked on.
Her house was not very far from work; maybe about 30min walk. I didn’t even know how far I had walked until someone called out to me to say hello. To my surprise, I was already around her neighborhood.
I had frequented this place a lot since I used to hang out with her on weekends a lot. She used to say she was always available for me, so if I wanted to talk or anything just swing by. I wave hello as I walk past the neighbor deep in thought again. Since I was already around the area, I decide to stop by her house and check on the cat hoping it was not dead already. It’d been two days already…third now. I hurried off to her house…worried about the cat more than anything now.
I get to her house after a few minutes. The gardens looked dry and unattended…flowers were withering away…and the weeds were taking over mercilessly as if they were finally free to roam without bounds. There was a faint smell of decay as well…rotten, molded mulch, and such I supposed. It had only been three days now…I thought as I looked around. I remembered she had said that she left a key underneath a big rock at the side of the house. I fished through some stones not realizing which one it was especially since there was a pile of stones all around the corners of the garden. As I went around looking for the rock, I caught a sight on a figured angel shaped rock. It looked like it was carved and from the looks of it, it was quite old as well. I figured it had been sitting outside for quite many years. There were even signs of natural damage…it was a bit weathered down.
As I lifted the stone, lot of bugs crawled out of it…some getting all over my hand. I dropped it as instantly as I had picked it up. It might have been of sentimental value to her…I cursed at myself for dropping it like that.
As I looked at the bugs scattering away, I noticed the soil/mulch was pretty damp and soft from the earlier rain. I was relieved that the stone was not damaged. I waited a while watching all the bugs make their way away from the rock. I picked it up again, only after I made sure that everything moving was gone from underneath the stone. I move it aside and there it was…the key to the house as she had mentioned on her email. I take it and quickly go toward the fountain to wash it. Oh how I hate bugs!!! It makes me shiver even thinking about it.
----*-----*----*
I open the door and the first thing I notice is how stagnant the air in the place was. It was dark and layer of dust had already covered the tabletops as if no one had been around for quite a while. One thing that I did notice was the footprint of the cat all around the table. “Poor soul was probably looking for something to eat”, I talk to myself as I pass by the kitchen looking for the cat. I start to wonder if Lilia had left earlier on. It was a long weekend, four-day weekend at that. I hadn’t been hanging out with her in the weekend lately because of other commitments that I had. As I move around the room, I start to think that maybe she had left town long before even the workweek started. I only came to know about her departure after she was missing from work for two days, I walk around still in deep thought looking for the cat. I saw no signs of the cat anywhere inside the house. I guess it might have gone out through the cat exit installed in the back door.
I start heading toward the back door still wondering. As I open the door to the backyard, the cat jumps away from the trash-cans nearby startling me half to death. The whole area had started to look spooky especially with the setting sun; trees around the area gave a spooky shadow around the corners of the house. It took me a while to get back to my normal state. I shift my legs as I let the cat scurry past me inside the house.
It went past its tray looking at me with curious eyes hoping to get some food finally. I fished around the cabinets looking for cat-food. After finding it I poured some milk and food on its trays and I watched it eat hungrily.
As I look around the room, I start to think maybe opening some windows will be a good idea. Fresh air will do some good at least. I passed by the grandfather clock and I finally become aware of the time. I had left my stuff at work. Actually, I had just come for a short walk.
I go up the stairs looking at the plants on the windows. They needed to be watered badly. I fill the water bucket and water the plants as I checked each room. As I pass by her workroom, I notice the computer was still left “on”. I move the mouse just from the pure curiosity…’I can’t seem to stay away from computers’; I laugh at my own insidious behavior.
There were couple of files on the desktop and I saw her music folder. I decide to listen to music while waiting for the room to clear out of stale air. I had never been to her room before; it was a very organized place. The paintings on the wall brought the room to life a bit even in the darkness. As I go around looking at paintings and family portraits I wondered if I was intruding on her private life.
I go back to her work area and decide to check my work email since I had access to the computer anyway. I had just left work on a whim, without letting anyone know.
Wearily I look through the emails, “Thank god!” I whisper to myself as there was no email that needed an urgent reply. Lack of sleep from last night was taking its toll on me. I was suddenly very tired. As I listen to music, I start browsing through random files in the desktop. There was a document titled, “Withering Away”. Being a great fan of stories, I decide to open it…thinking it might be a good read. I used to download books from online and read at my convenience. It got rid of the hassles of carrying a book around too.
As soon as I opened it, I realized that it wasn’t a book. It was rather an entry in a diary of some sort. I had no idea that Lilia had a diary. I glanced at the first few sentences, and I couldn’t close it. As it is, I was worried about her and reading this I hoped that it might shed light on what was going on with her. I continued to read even though I felt like an uninvited intruder.
It was dated ten days ago…
Do you ever wonder why people go away to a quiet place…some scenic area…just when they are feeling down or lonely? NO!!! It’s not for enjoying the beauty of nature. You are a fool if you believed that!! Okay maybe I am lashing out…*sigh*…Perhaps, I am angry with myself for being such a person. All the times, when life is going around...you could care less about nature!! And when you feel bad that’s where you try and find solace…
It's like going to God, when you need something...even though you are well aware that you never prayed in your whole life…nor would you give a damn about God at any other times.
I guess when you’re confused you just want to be away from everyone…to try and find out solutions to your problems without any distraction.
…………………………………………………
Do you ever feel sad out of nowhere? You are in pain but you have no idea the source of it? It's been too long since my confession… No!!! Not one of those confessions you go to the priest and confess about!! But it’s the confession of the heart to your self. Living in denial, ignoring problems, pushing back at feeling...I guess I am a living example of ... a sort of like a "Pandora's Box". You know all the dread and pain will EXPLODE out of it at the slightest crack. All the bottled up emotions waiting…just waiting for the sweet taste of freedom...no longer wanting to be engulfed by darkness.
Maybe this is the reason why I want to…or feel the need to spend time in a quiet place…Left alone all by myself. My thoughts and me!
When thoughts start to pour out at an uncontrollable rate, that’s when you want to be wrapped around in someone's arm...be held close to their heart…hoping maybe…just maybe…that it will calm you down and help you face your fears…melt away the pain or at least ease it a bit. You hope that it will wash away the feelings that were bottled up since the ages...all lost in darkness creating a void deep within your heart...TRAPPING your soul inside it that it can't even recognize the difference between day and night. Voids filled…only with pain...and you keep questioning yourself …”will it ever go away?” You start hoping, begging rather for it to completely disappear, willing yourself to do the impossible.
When no amount of force or whining seems to fix your problem, you are left alone miserable and confused with no one beside you. You sit there staring blankly into space, wondering where life is taking you and what kind of place you are in…what’s in store for you…and where it is all leading you…
……………………………………………
There were no more entries after that… I felt that piece was very intense!! I had no idea that she had such deep feelings trapped within her. All kinds of thoughts started to take form in my mind. The feelings/aura oozing out of this entry was completely opposite of the persona that she showed at work. It took me completely by surprise.
I waited there…staring at the writing with unbelieving eyes…questioning to myself, “Could she have written this?” I couldn’t believe this could be her, I started making up ideas ‘maybe someone else had passed it off to her to read rather’.
The more I thought about it the more I got the feeling that maybe this was her true self. All those times we were friends she had always avoided talking about herself but there were always instances when she said something that completely caught me off-guard. I never thought twice about it then, but as I remembered instances now…it was becoming all clear.
I was deep in thoughts and out of nowhere, the cuckoo clock starts sounding.
Cuckoo!!! Cuckoo!!! …..
I never had one of those; I jumped at the sound of it coming from right around the corner. I check my watch; it was already 9pm. Time has been flying by these past few days.
I close all the programs and hurry off to close the windows and head out to my work before they closed the gates. I still had my car parked there and I was in no mood to walk this late at night from here to my home.
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Running Around like a Chicken Without a Head...
Yeah...that's basically how it has been!!
I heard that line before...from a friend of mine. He had said, that last couple of weeks of the semester will be exactly like that and I remember just laughing at his connotation at the time. Here I am now...exactly understanding what he was saying back then. Funny how everything turns out, doesn't it? :-D
These past two weeks, I have had no direction at all...to what I am doing. Things keep getting thrown in the pile and I am confused as to which one to start and which one to finish. At the end, I am just running around trying to do everything and finishing nothing.
Then the pile gets higher and higher as the week dwindles down to a day...accomplishing nothing what-so-ever. I wonder why, when you have deadlines coming ...everything else also become the most important thing to do. Why does everything gets piled till the end for everyone? You're rushing to do one thing....then everyone comes to you saying "Oh!! we need that and We also need that and Oh my gosh!! You can't forget that either!!" Is it just me? or does that happen to everyone?
Stressful days... hmmm!! In the beginning of the week I started with a few things to do and I was fresh and with full of energy to tackle the tasks. It's the fourth day of the week and now, I have tons of things to do and I see no end of the pile!! Plus the energy level has dwindled down to almost nothing. Even the reserves are running on low....I wake up to start a new day....and realize I am too tired to even pay attention to what I am doing, let alone make sense out of it. Every attempt failing slowly as the days pass on.
I wonder how long it's gonna all last....
Hoping for better days...
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Spoiled!!...aren't we all??
People say that I am spoiled...but really!!!...... what is it to be spoiled??? In the eyes of the suffering...aren't almost all of us spoiled in a sense? Those who have or had hard life will believe those without hard life are spoiled because they have everything they want and still are complaining.
Those who have parents by your side are spoiled to those who miss their parents every single day...for a good home cooked meal..for their constant nags...for their unconditional love and pampers...etc. Those who have a home and the luxury to live lavishly are spoiled to those who have no homes. Those who had lost their parents will consider those who still have their parents as spoiled brats because those with parents are complaining about how strict and annoying their parents are.
Is it even an arguable concept? Who is to say you're not spoiled??
My mom used to say "We're all rich!" In a way that is the truth that no one can deny. Even in the midst of pain and suffering you can always see some sort of brightness!!...for you are there!! ...still existing...living a wonderful life....living on to make miracles happen!! There are those who are fighting for the same life you're complaining about.... For them you're spoiled!! You get to live and you're complaining?? that's what they'd say.
Thinking twice about the comment....I'd say "Hell yeah!!! I am spoiled" ~.^_^.~
Inebriated One
Flurry of events
Overwhelmed with pressure
Seeking relief
Alcohol!!...sweet nectar of life
Without thought or care
Unintended pain
Unnecessary troubles
Dazed and confused
Awaken with a headache
Blurred memories
Events not worth recalling
Surrounded by friends
Eyes filled with disgust
Apologies made
Embarrassed moments
Innocence blurred
Mistakes made
Efforts undone
Within momentary lapses!!!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Fallen Angel
I lay to rest
The last moment
Of eternal breath
Look of concern
Cast long shadows
Quickened times
At a loss for words
Smiling bravely
With pain-filled eyes
You hold me tightly
Unwilling to let go
Eyes wide open
Fading in and out of reality
Final tears shed
Final remembrance
With tired eyes
I say goodbye
Closing my eyes
For one last time
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Happiness
Figure Above: Kofuku (Koufuku): Japanese kanji idiom meaning "Happiness or Happy".A mere thought
Feeling within
An expression
Smile…
Early sunrise
Sparkling beauty
Mellow hearts
Chilled drinks…
Passionate friends
Clear skies
Cheerful kids
Dancing fireflies…
Fluttering lights
A cool breeze
Clear minds
Warmth within…
Heavenly bodies
Twinkle in a distance
Merging of thoughts
Souls rejoined…
Shadowy past
Overlapped with joys
Conjoined laughter
Closeness shared.
~.^_^.~
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Ain't Life Wonderful??
I was listening to the XM radio...and this song was playing. It's kind of depressing.... :-(
Made me sad for a while... When you're little, you don't know anything....you are learning what life is... You are basically a giant sponge...absorbing everything and anything within reach. All you want is fun times...those little moments of joys and pain at that time will last a lifetime. Then as you grow older you are able to distinguish between what is normal and what is abnormal..what is wrong and what is right..what makes you happy and what makes you sad. When you just begin to understand, then you realize that life is not what you had thought it would be... This is when you realize that everything you have soaked up till now ...was a big fat LIE - that life ain't sugar and candies. You are protected by your parents when you're too little to understand anything.... Parents will shield you away from the pains of life....but there are some unlucky ones who have to learn that life is rotten when they are so young...suffer through the emotional trauma...be sad thinking that it's all their fault... I feel bad for them....that they have to go thru such heart breaking moments at such a young age.. Only if you could erase hurtful memories..... hmmm... .but then if we could do that...how would we ever learn right? Like the saying goes...if you don't feel sadness ever in you life then how will you know when you feel happiness. All those pains you feel when you're young..no matter how much you don't want to remember them...you will always remember...just like all the happy memories that you will cherish for the rest of your life. After all, past experiences defines who you are right now ..isn't it ? :-)
The song is called "wonderful" by everclear...
hey, aint life wonderful? wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... isnt it wonderful Now?
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope its over when I open them
I want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again
Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when youre little
And the worlds so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that its all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends wont know
When the bell rings I just dont wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I dont believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when youre little
And the world is so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I dont wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna meet your friends
And I dont wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now...
I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
Made me sad for a while... When you're little, you don't know anything....you are learning what life is... You are basically a giant sponge...absorbing everything and anything within reach. All you want is fun times...those little moments of joys and pain at that time will last a lifetime. Then as you grow older you are able to distinguish between what is normal and what is abnormal..what is wrong and what is right..what makes you happy and what makes you sad. When you just begin to understand, then you realize that life is not what you had thought it would be... This is when you realize that everything you have soaked up till now ...was a big fat LIE - that life ain't sugar and candies. You are protected by your parents when you're too little to understand anything.... Parents will shield you away from the pains of life....but there are some unlucky ones who have to learn that life is rotten when they are so young...suffer through the emotional trauma...be sad thinking that it's all their fault... I feel bad for them....that they have to go thru such heart breaking moments at such a young age.. Only if you could erase hurtful memories..... hmmm... .but then if we could do that...how would we ever learn right? Like the saying goes...if you don't feel sadness ever in you life then how will you know when you feel happiness. All those pains you feel when you're young..no matter how much you don't want to remember them...you will always remember...just like all the happy memories that you will cherish for the rest of your life. After all, past experiences defines who you are right now ..isn't it ? :-)
The song is called "wonderful" by everclear...
hey, aint life wonderful? wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... isnt it wonderful Now?
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope its over when I open them
I want the things that I had before
Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again
Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when youre little
And the worlds so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that its all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends wont know
When the bell rings I just dont wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I dont believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when youre little
And the world is so big
I just dont understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I dont wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I dont wanna meet your friends
And I dont wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now...
I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
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