An Unexpected Journey Thru Life

blessed with family,
comforts of luxury.
surrounded by friends,
all taken for granted.

unexpectedness of life,
tragedy strikes.
everything is at a loss,
kicked out in the ditches.

ALONE..
no one by your side.
separated from family,
hiding to survive.

new life begins,
filled with anxiety.
expected to keep a vow,
promised while in a daze.

charging forth,
without any knowledge of reality.
faced with numerous troubles,
forging new paths ahead.

success seem near,
enemies grow unexpectedly.
forged path collapse,
destroyed by a whim of an enemy.

feeling cursed indefinitely,
arrival of an unknown admirer .
strenghtening your hopes,
not letting you give up.

regaining your poise,
move toward a new beginning.
friends, acquaintance, admirers..by your side,
gift from the gods.

The End

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Love this song by Bon Jovi

"It's my Life"

This is for the ones who stood their ground

For Tommy and Gina who never backed down

Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake

Luck ain't even lucky

Got to make your own breaks

Better stand tall when they're calling you out

Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

First encounter

So here I was...all thrilled about going to the shooting range.
Not expecting, anything unusual...After all, you see guns being used all the time in the movies and games. So simple, so tiny...all you do is pull the trigger and *boom* the projectile shoots off. Sounds Simple Enuff!!!... And as you know from science as well, that's how gun works..there is gun podwer ..gets sparked..makes and noise ..gun recoils and gone..

Well, here I am in the shooting range...thinking hmm..this would be definitely something new...bit excited. I should be able to shoot without a problem...i hope :-D (or so I pretend). Guys!!! hmm...they are always thrilled about weapons..aren't they? :-S No matter where you go, for most of them it's thrilling...adrenaline junkie. I wish I was in some ways ..but no way!! That's just not me :-S

Newbie here within the shooting range, I go to the counter and decide to get a 9mm gun since it's sort of a beginner's gun. They said..it does have a bit of a recoil. It's tiny,... doesn't look that dangerous! Other people coming in the place...all with their own guns !! (don't know what I would call it...but it definitely scary!! What if at any point some one gets pissed off ... all of them have guns!! of course they are unloaded outside..but inside it's TOTALLY LOADED!! :-S )
So they show me the gun 9mm ..you look at it from a distance. ask them how you load it.. They give you funny look...that says never seen a gun??? gosh watch some movies !!

So as I follow the instruction that the person gave in a few seconds... they're going too fast *!!! how do you catch all of that
:-S They show you how to hold a gun..so that when it recoils, you don't get your thumbs blown up... heh heh.. (you give a nervous laugh...giving a nervous look to your friends who are thrilled to be going shooting). So here I was holding the gun and you start remembering how guns accidently fire and all that sorts and kill people...hmm.. just the thing you want to remember :-S (why do you have to remember stupid things like that right now!!! )

I have the gun in the hand...it looks pretty harmless enuff... So they hand you the eye protection and the ear plugs..gun and the bullets and of course the target. From the outside you hear little gun shots..First time hearing gun shots...not loud enuff so, not very scary. As you enter through the door.....the sounds get louder. Get through another door..and boom...you are bombarded with whole bunch of shots firing at the same time. Frozen for a moment, you realize hmm..so this how gun shots really sound when it's not blocked by sound proof doors and windows. The whole room filled with a racket...not one of those "dance club noises".. NO FREAKING WAY!... nervousness course through your body, you go to your lane and try to figure out how to load the stupid gun...trying to remember what the guy in the counter said. The lanes are 2and half feet wide with slight wall in between separating the lanes. The other lanes are filled and people are firing shots one after other. Everytime they shoot, the whole booth vibrates...putting you in state of nervousness. You are the edge of your seat..basically...at this point if someone comes and touches me, everything would fly off my hand. I try and load the gun slowly...*have to push down and slide it in ** remembering the instruction as I load one after another. Jumping everytime the other shot gets fired...hands tremble...dropping the bullets.. Try again!!! push down and slide... Finally, you manage to load it successfully. Slide it into the gun and cock it ...or whatever... and then you are ready to shoot. In your mind, you're going how can people be comfortable with this??? Still trembling from the shots being fired around you....you point the target .. and shoot, not expecting what would happen next. Well, pull the trigger...just like in the movies Duhhh!!!

Slowly getting the nerve to do it one time at least...I pull the trigger... and flash appears!!! Boom!!! and the gun recoils!! No freaking way... that was too loud... My nerves are shot at this point :-S Next, I let the other people take their turn...finally happy to be rid of the thing. I watch as the flashes appear one after another Boom Boom Boom..the shells flying every which way..noise is just something I would never get used to...finally realizing it indefinitely. After 20min of waiting trying to get used to the noise ...I go back and try shooting again... Still, not used to the noise :-S This thing is just not for me :-S I go to the lane and prepare to shoot again. At this point... I dont even care if I hit the target or not...I haven't gotten used to the noise or the flash I see.... I point the gun in the general direction of the target and prepare myself for the noise.. I don't want to see the flash so I put the slightly off the direct line of my eye. (Well that probably is why I never hit the target!! LOL) ...

Wrap your hand around the gun handle...making sure your thumb is out of the way. One hand pushing back at the gun, while the other hand pulls toward you. You positioning your legs so that the recoils doesn't make you lose control. Again...waiting..preparing myself. Takes me a while before I pull the trigger!! (it's kind of like going to the eye doctor where they do glaucoma test...with the puft of air getting shot at your eye. After the first one, you kind of expect the puft of air and blink everytime before it comes. This is just like that...only so many many many time worse). So I shoot once..then pause.. make myself ready again and shot! Bam Bam bam!! goes the gone....and look at the target :-S Missed all :-S

No more guns for me!!!

As I think about my ability to handle guns...I am filled with an immense gratification to those who serve the country, be it military, navy, police..etc. ...Those who risk their own lives so that others may have a better day.

During this whole time, thoughts kept on going back and forth. While I am just a newbie...and had so much trouble getting used to it and still am in fact.... how do these little children/kids get accostumed to using gun and that too at real people?? (Like those in maoist group, in shiite groups, in darfur genocide) Makes you wonder what kind of mind they have, what made them change so dramatically that they would no longer feel bad..guilty..afraid of guns and theirs' and others' lives!!! All through this event, I kept thinking that I might handle it wrong and shoot it off in wrong direction....how do they manage it? Do they no longer think about such things? Are they literally brain washed ... and/or only trained to be a killer!! Do they block it out using drugs..!! How do they cope with the after effects at the end of the day? You hear about war veterans and how much trouble ..nightmares they have each and everyday...How they no longer can have a normal life! How do these men..women and children...who were once just a general citizen..villagers ..feel..cope with ..and live after all this is over. How can people go into their own villages and kill off your friends, family, neighbors...etc. Do they feel no remorse at the end? :-( As I watched blood diamond, I saw how a little kid was forced into using guns to kill off his own people...
This same thing is happening everywhere...and you wonder.. is there going to be no end of all this pain and suffering?

Trying not to look back...

once i was full of soul. rythm of music flowed thru me as life progressed. Little did i realize,that before I got the chance to find out the full extent of happiness in life i would have to grow up soon and realize that life is not as happy as everyone wants or pretends it is to be.

what is the first instinct for people to do when all seems down at one place? well most people try to get away from it all..go away to some place new and start everything anew. Is that really a good idea? well I have been thinking of putting it to the test. Why not right? if it does seem to work then, it probably will be the best thing I have ever done in my life. But first things first, in all the guides to a new start one always suggests going for a break, a long one... To see if anything could be straightened out that way. So here I am about to embark on a journey to a new place on my own and there comes a person in my life which puts my ideas in a stand still. Now how often does that happen! come on!! All prepared to start something new and here I am back on the same path, or well sort of a same path. Could I have stopped it? perhaps!!! Did I though? Nope... So here goes on another chapter of my previous life. Is this what I really wanted ? probably not! One thing to realize is that once you start something especially if it invovles other people that is ( one on one most likely), it's kind of too late to start wondering that you made a mistake and get out. Well I could have been one of those daring types, who says what the heck forget everything and skip town. But that is not exactly what happened. What happened was far more of what I had thought would have happened when I played the whole scenario out in my head. Now why would anyone in the right mind do that? Does that even make sense!!! especially if you want this new chapter in your life to work out!! Perhaps it was the negativity in my thoughts that led to the events that occurred at the end. Does that make any sense? Would that happen I mean...would actually thinking that thing will never pan out ever make it to not pan out in the way you want? These are more like a rhetorical questions for myself... Why do everyone tend to think of the events of the past more often than necessary after it happens....i mean going meticulously through every step as if anything you could have done, would have done, and so on would have made things turn out any differently. How would that at the end change anything? What happened has happened, there is nothing you can do in the world to change the past...and yet here I am (knowing this fact) thinking it over and over ..all the things as if it is happening right now. Is this depressing or what? Perhaps this is a step one must go through in order to finalize the event that occurred and put it behind you as everyone so aptly puts it.

Troubling Thoughts

awaken with a frightful start
nervousness overtakes
troubling thoughts in mind
heartbeat races

frustration
questions arise
heavy heart
aching mischieviously

quarrelsome times
heart vs. mind
indecisive action
overrated dreams

heart...aches
weakness bellows
compromise
needless to say

incessant worry
insomnia remain
thoughts jumbled up
undeniable pain

yearning heart
common necessity
triumphant mind
ignorant and defiant

reality breaks
peace of mind
endless insomnia
broken with rays of light

The End

Love

what is loving someone if you can't share it with the one you love...right?.

But what is love?


To define it, would mean hacking it into pieces. However not defining or saying it would mean to the other person that you don't love them. People define love in many ways and as to this day I am having a great difficulty in explaining to whom I dearly care for...why I love them so much. Some people say that once you are in love, explaining these kinds of things would become so easy because everything you see is love, everything you hear and touch is love. Enjoying a quiet moment, all you are surrounded with is the thought of that precious love, priceless moments that you will never want to part with.

If defining love is so difficult then why not just go and attack it from the back?...crossing out the things that are not associated with love. Doing that however will be an endless list as well for there are a lot of things that people say 'love' is. Definition of LOVE is different in everyone's mind and eyes. If I sit here and let all the definitions scroll through my mind, I can see why people have so many doubts about the true intentions of another person hiding behind the phrase "I love you".

The word 'Love' carries no weight (people throw it out there as if it's made of air) and yet it has a tremendous hold on people's heart. People say, to experience true love, we must first love ourselves. If you don't know how to love yourself then you have no idea how to love another person. Loving someone means that you love them for who they are (admiring their strengths, and accepting and helping them with their weaknesses). To not be self-centered or self-absorbed because if you are in love, you put their needs and wishes ahead of your own. Love shouldn't be associated with any kind of deception, should be truthful and sincere feeling of one for another. Love shouldn't involve selfishness, nor does it involve wants or needs. Loving someone is respecting that person, understanding them, and letting them be free (in their own sense, whatever it might be). I love the quote "Loving someone is giving them the power to destroy you and trusting them not to.." (something like that ...not exactly sure of the wordings) In a sense, to me, that is what loving someone will exactly mean. Of course there is always fallouts....your heart once open should be prepared for anything.

Since one can't describe what love is and for many people 'love' ...If defined.... will be associated with things they can see and feel, best way to define it, I would say, would be saying that there are no words that can describe how I feel about you because every word that I use in attempting to describe will just barely scratch the surface and will ruin the true feelings behind it. So....perplexing question still remains in the end; How do you explain how much you love the person and why you love them so? Throughout the past (history), people have done countless things to show how much they love a person. They have poured their heart and soul into something, including every tiny moments/thoughts/things that they remembered or cherished (or will remember and cherish for that matter) about the person they so dearly cared for and loved. In the end, this spectacular work of their's (when seen by others a mere work of art or in cases even junk) will remain a thing of beauty, a priceless piece of work that holds so much meaning than anything in the world...with so much memories and thoughts to those who do understand ....with layers and layers of surprises...like that doll (can't think of the name) or a stone with so many layers.

Because it is undescribable it holds more meaning than just words of things you see in a person. Words just doesn't have the same pontency to describe what love is and have the same genuine effect on the other.

love:
indefinable in nature…
a mere thought...
a projection of feelings toward another
that holds a meaning so profound
with immeasurable connotation

Hope: A Mirage of Happiness

Bound by sadness
Looking to escape
Glimpse of hope
Far out of reach

Persistence
Fading away
Hope
Still at bay

Strength
Exhaustion at maximum
Perservere
Live one more day

Pain and suffering
An unforgettable reality
Awaken with misery
Hardships of life

Troubled minds
Never let up
Hope
A mirage of Happiness

The End

Lost Cause (Biteka Kura)

kasto abelaa aauchhou timi
mutu nai dhuk dhuk hune garera
kina bujdainou timee malaaii
ho mero saahaaraa timinai

sodhchhu eutaa kuraa
thaanchhau timee arkai
risauchhau tettikai nabujhi
kasaree bujhaau timeelaaii

jaanne le bujhchhan malaaii
timeelaaii bhane kattee gaaro
samaya ta chha ni sabaiko
bitaauchhau timro chaai katai katai

jattee koshees gare pani
bujhnu nai gaaro timilaai
maile nabujheko ho ki, timile
thaahaa paaunai sakina tettee pani

bhanchhu maile aaphailaai
garera ke phaaiidaa yo koshees
chhoddeu yo kuraa sabai
santosha huna deu ekaichhina manalaaii

The End

kiss of death

sweet tender kisses of yours
used to warm me thru the coldest of nights
now ... that same kiss
seems deathly cold
and I..
I lose my breath
as if death itself came..
came and sucked the life out of me..

now I see you
clear as crystal
times have changed…
and you have moved on…
as if...
as if the thing that we had
had..just vanished in thin air.

your past has not shrouded…
shrouded your future at hand …
but all I see is darkness
like a hole ... so deep
so deep that no light can escape
I am that light ...
trapped in the bends of space…
not being able to see past the darkness
lost….lost in emptiness.

anger, pain, sadness
it all gnaws from the inside
forgive and forget ... forgive and forget...
hardness of reality
is it really possible?
questions form and answer is at no avail.

forgive and forget...
forgive I must...forget how can I?
it grips you by your throat
the instant you try and forget
the loneliness...the emptiness
the darkness within...
letting nothing escape.

you try and take a deep breath
and you choke for more air
the moment of freedom
the slow intake of air...
happiness alludes you
but only for a brief moment.

surrounded by nightmares…
the faint light disappears
taking away any hope
hope of freedom
as darkness envelopes you once again
once again …LOST

coldness of that kiss…
oh how terrible it feels
so cold and meaningless...
kiss of death
emptiness…loneliness…
darkness all around.

The end