Stressful Days at the Library

Library! Again I am here …up and about bright and early!!

Parking lot is all the way in the other corner of the campus. Takes practically 15min to walk to my destination. My choice in parking!! :-S Being an upper-classmen you would think that you would get your preference of parking lots!! :-( I shouldn’t complain, other choice of lot would have been 30min walk.

I’ll be happy when the spring-time comes around…at least the weather will be nice. I have had enough of passing through the mountains of snow and black ice and windy blasts of chilly air. :-) Sometimes yeah...you like a bit of challenge but not when you’re going to be late for classes!! I’ll be complaining again in summer time (hate summer…just as badly as winter).

Study time!!!!… I am a morning person. Of course that doesn’t mean that it’s easy for me to get up from my beauty sleep :-D I want a rooster in my room like back home…Great way to get up :-P



I don’t think anyone else would agree with that in my place.
Waking my sis up is a challenge!!
I remember the conversation the night before…

My sis goes…“Hey wake me up!! tomorrow “
“But you never wake up …what the point? “ I question her
She says, “I have class!! you have to wake me up! I don’t think my friend can wake up to go to class so she told me to take notes for her”
“If I don’t wake up..pour water over me…I don’t care what you do, just wake me up !! and I need a ride too :-D”

I tried to pour water over her last time….but I couldn’t make myself do it! :-( I should have done it just for the fun of it :-D It’s quite a challenge to wake people especially I feel bad waking them up when they are sleeping so peacefully :-S

Ah well… what was I saying before that?
OH yeah…I can’t study at home. I tried, but my room is filled with papers. As soon as you enter the room, it’s like swimming in the sea of papers. Then you get disorientated and you see bed then you’re like, “let me just listen to music and lie down” …next thing you know it’s four hours past :-D But my room is not only the obstacle!! I stay with my family …so most of the weekends (my actual free time of the week :-S ) there is always people around. It’s always fun to be around family… so much fun!! :-D It’s a World of Distraction! I am not complaining about that though :-) That’s one of the things I love the most…sometimes you just need to chill and be distracted. Makes you forget all the stress… I used to be into TV so much before, now I am just too tired for TV too. Not video games either… Oh what is wrong with me!!!!

This is a nightmare!! Anyone in a sane mind will say that :-D I think ....LOL

Back in HS, my parents used to say, “ Study now..play later!! You have plenty of time later to play when you’re done with schools!!"
I always had doubts about that, but always tried my best to follow their instruction. (which actually means that you play when they’re not around and when they are around…pretend you’re studying :-D Good ol’times!!! That brings back memories of oh back when I was in first grade and up)

Now I find out that they just said that because they wanted the best for us…and oh yeah They LIED!! :-D What can I say….as I am lot older…I still can’t play video games :-S Now of course it’s not because my parents are telling me not to play but it’s because..you don’t have time!! And if you do have those hours to spare…you are too stressed out to even want to play!! :-( So very very sad!! But I still make time sometimes…there are those rare moments!! :-D for games and ANIME!! (How grown up is that!! :-D)

Anyway, I love libraries (that means…only when I do make myself go there which rarely happens :-D). They’re quiet and dull and your mind tends to wander all over the place when it’s like that. However when I see people all around me, studying!! It’s kind of motivating you know…I make myself study in that case :-) I was studying for a whole 2 hours in the morning (before I found my ipod again!!). People get to the library so early!! It’s amazing how much people devote their time for studies. I wish I was one of them :-(

Circuits Circuits Circuits I repeat over and over to get back to the study mode. :-D (As if that really works!! LOL) Wonderful world of circuits…it begins with a fourth of a page design then extends itself at an exponential rate!! Am I exaggerating here !! :-D Well in this class I am supposed to decipher humongous circuit diagrams in 30 seconds :-S (I am giving myself extra time here :-D No one has to know rite?? )
That’s what the professor said on the first day!! His exact words were “As soon as you see it, you should know it right away what the output is going to be!” Am I trying to go in a competition or something!!! I wonder …*sigh**..what a Nightmare :-S
Maybe I should study.. then I’d get better :-) Yeah Right!!! Goes my inner-self… I guess I am just not very interested in circuits any more. I don’t really know why I chose this path. I just kind of went with the flow…whatever I liked I took the courses and by the end I found out this is where I was heading. Lot of the people, who started with me, graduated and now have chosen to do something completely different.

If I ask them why different field?, or how come? They say, “I am tired of that…so I am going to try something new now” So what was the point of going through all those years of torture (did I say torture? I meant fun fun fun :-D ) I wonder :-S
Well I am still in school!! I must be interested a little right?? :-S I hope so…but I think I hate designing …to many things to consider when it comes to that… I just like blowing stuff :-D That’s a Major “DON’T HIRE ME SIGN!!”
But hey, at the end you learn more stuff by breaking it right?? :-) If everything worked out right, then you never learn what not to do :-P

Anyway, I was thinking to myself the other day... Maybe I should take up something else too…go follow my hobbies!! Never really pursued it before since everyone said it would be fruitless. Times have certainly changed now it seems…it’s no more focused into education only. Everyone is into business these days!! They say “You only get profit through business…every other work is just work” How true is that!!
All those people at work, they say the same thing, “as an engineer you get three or more times as less pay than being a pilot!! Plus they only work three days a week and they get to travel and spend the night at best hotels…everything free!!” LOL …one of those lunch time conversation :-D They were talking about how they want their children to go study business or other things rather than engineering :-D. It’s amusing!!

Even as an undergrad student, I noticed that most people were motivated only by the prospect of how much they would make after they were done with school. For me however, my motivation was not money… I don’t truly know what my motivation is…or even still if I have one or not. Well yeah!! You need money to survive but money isn’t everything either.

For my father, Money is everything!! He used to say, “Study to be a doctor!! You’d get more money!!” and I remember always questioning that motive to be a doctor. Is that really why you want to be a doctor?? To make more money?? Or do you want to be a doctor because you want to help other people and save lives?? :-S
That thought troubled me a lot (I hope when I go visit a doctor, I never get a doctor who is just there for money!! ). I would rather do things that I love doing because I love it not for anything (being paid for doing what you love doing is a plus :-D ) So that brings me back to circuits again!! :-D I am here solving circuits because at some point in my life I loved it :-D…. I always loved math and physics to begin with…then as I went on the path…I found out I have reached a limit for math…LOL …and physics too. I am still very much interested in learning about new things even though it might be tough now :-D (tough meaning everything passes by me at the speed of light). It seems things are getting complicated in both physics and math world these days and every other world too perhaps.

And now back to studying and deciphering circuits with a puzzled look on my face!! *sigh*

All-Niters!!

Time to do homework once again…so much work and only three problems :-S Why does it take so long when only few problems are assigned? I have been working on it for two whole days (counting today too of course :-D) … with little breaks for sanity checks!! :-D Plus listening to songs keeps me motivated it seems… or at least keeps me awake for those alniters!!

To tell you the truth, today was much more exciting than yesterday!! Of course that means a little less productive day too :-P Woke up after 4 hours of sleep :-S slept too late yesterday!! Yawwnnnn!!! *sighs**

Don’t you just love the mornings when you wake up, look out the window and all you see is flurries of snow. I get one of those huge smiles (probably really ugly huge smiles :-D ) in my face when that happens. Yes I know I am Nutz!!… It’s just so enchanting moment I tell you. Maybe it’s just me, but I just love snow. Blizzards are a bit harsh because of the 50mph cold biting winds!! but this one was flurries..it’s like cottons falling out of the skies. I love to just get some hot chocolate and go outside by the patio and watch the snow fall to the ground accumulating so fast. It’s just so awesome of a sight!! Then by the time you’re done with the hot chocolate…you can hear the kids run around enjoying the snow…unaware of how troublesome snow can really be. So of course being me… I had to go out and dance out in the snow too :-D It’s a joy!! With ipod in my pocket...listening to the songs as I take a walk in the snow-filled roads...flurries all around. Skipping across the road... (of course not falling :-P....and prancing around like a kid hehe ).

I can pretend I don’t have to go clean the parking lot and the car tomorrow when it ice rains on top of the snow :-D For now…Snow Fite time :-D you just have to join in on that !!

Who In the right mind will turn that down.. NOT ME NOT ME!!! My little brother decides to join in on the fun!! Packing snow too…soo cool!! With gloves on however, it was pretty hard to pack it really hard…I like it that way anyway !!. Don’t wanna get hurt :-P But later on, my bro decides…it’s packs more nicely if you don’t wear gloves. I get him with a poofy snow…then he starts throwing fake snow balls and I get hit…snow over each others face… cold!!! :-D Fun Fun…but tiring… Shoveling the parking lot time!! With ice rain later it’s gonna be really hard like last time….(car got stuck on parking lot…one of them is still stuck to this day and it’s already past a week!! Nothing melted !!! :-( Now it's gonna be stuck for 2 more weeks...plowers piled more snow right behind that car again :-S ) At least my car would be free :-D...not gonna let it be stuck like last time!!

We decided to help the kids with making a huge snow man…We shoveled up all the snow and pile it up in one spot so they can use it :-D They're cute !! :-D they started using the huge mountain of ice and snow pile behind the other car as a hill so they could sled down it... don't fall now :-D They are excited about making snowman..snow angels..running around ..putting snow inside clothes and what nots!!!! wonderful snowy days..I remember doing those same stuff when I was little. We used to go behind one of the elementary school ..there was a huge hill!! So we got paper boxes and used those to slide down the hill...it was fun times :-) Bit of reminiscing time :-P

After shoveling up the parking lot and the walkway...we went inside for warm chocolate. It's really dehydrating.... I decided to stay outside again with hot chocolate in my hand and enjoy the sight for a bit longer: the snow covered trees are just so beautiful, I can stare at it for hours and hours. And I saw the snow flakes figures too :-D They're awesome!! How many can you actually find? It’s almost like finding a four-leaved clover. Anyone wanna guess what my distraction was today :-D But it was worth it I’d say….one more nite of less sleep I can endure. :-D

Trapped By Fear

The more I tried,
the more I failed.
I tried and avoided you,
but my heart beckoned for you more.
I ignored my thoughts,
and tears poured with passion.
I subdued my conscious thoughts,
and my subconscious screamed out loud.
Freedom is what my heart yearned for,
and I chained it to the ground.
Trying to protect?
protection from what? and whom?
Questions and more questions,
what is it that I am truly afraid of?
Bottled up emotions,
outlet only the vastness of shadows.
Main source of fear,
totally lost in oblivion.

You showed me the way,
and briefly, all the pain melted away.
Like the snow melts away,
when the sun rises after a brief interlude.
You were the light for me,
light that filled my dark heart.
Dream a little higher you’d say,
but I was too engulfed by the darkness.
Be free from your darkness you’d say,
but darkness was my only consolation.
You believed in me,
but fear kept me still.
Fear had a terrible hold on my heart,
you could see it all too clearly.
It was a daunting task to break away,
and I was too distraught by failing miserably.
Ashamed, I broke away from you,
seeking solace where I could find none.
Disappeared into darkness,
now my one and only comforter.

The End.

Frustration

Goals of tomorrow
Today's urgent task
Aim for success
So told by everyone

Bold expectations
Outlook seem hopeful
Succumbed to time
Unable to continue

Gone today
Tomorrow's dream
Without success
Again in shame

Rushing tides
No mercy within sight
Frustration arise
Pushed from all sides

Terrible times
Frequent migraines
Sweet dreams
All lost in a haze

The End

Peace of Mind

Dark fiery skies
filled with twinkling stars
Millions of miles away
burning brightly and quietly

I lay down on the soft grass
arms crossed behind my head
Gazing at the breathtaking view
view of a amazing night sky.....nature ~.^_^.~

Mesmerized by the stillness
stillness of the cool night
Swaying of the tall grasses
sense of calm felt all around

Watching the moonlit lake
shadows of clouds crossing over
Reminder of frequent hardships
nauseating feeling of troubles

Splashes in the water
breaking of tension in the air
Ripples appearing and disappearing
representing my innermost feelings

Tiny frogs chasing fireflies
hopping on top of water lilies
Croaking loudly and proudly
serenading to their lovers adoringly

Smiling, you watch the glow
glow of the blossoming flowers
shining brightly in the moonlit sky
ever more pronounced with fireflies passing by

There I lay, underneath tall grasses
admiring the life’s splendor
Embracing with open arms
being one with nature

Lost in thoughts
fading in and out of the dreams
Following the rhythmic glows
those wonderful glows of the fireflies.

Sense of peace crosses over
no worry, no care...
Peace of mind at last…
right beneath the sky

The End.

Curiosity killed the Cat !!!

Pen held on the hand, ready to let the ink flow the moment it touches the paper. You try and write something and nothing ....

Of course, it could be a writer's block. But this is a blog, it's not like you're trying to write for your class. It's a non-creative work, something you jot down just because you want to ...for the heck of it. Something sort of like a diary..i suppose.

Here I am listening to music. Music relieves some stress in a way, sort of like meditating because you're not particularly thinking of anything. At the moment you are only concentrating on the music itself rather than the words. Just enjoying the beats, the rythms, and so on ... letting your stress wash away. Anyway...

Browsing through emails, I land on a new one. It's from.......a friend. Without opening, I look at it contemplating if I should open it or not in the first place. Then you probably are wondering...it's from a friend!! why not open it??? Well it's a long story... It brought back some memories...hmmm.....good? or bad ? I can't really say...maybe a little bit of both. But I can see what the email will be saying....and nothing good i bet...

If you know the email is going to contain something bad, then why would you want to open it right? But then it was emailed to you, so you should read it too. So I log out of the email and decide maybe I don't want to read it for now...not deleting it right away. Then as the time passes, you wonder what's in the email. :-S What the heck!!!! I just decided not to read it and now I want to??? Why does that happen? :-S I don't know if that happens to all but it's like the one thing you know you don't want to do or you shouldn't do... you want to do more !!

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and decide to read it. It was only 15 minutes past the time I saw that email. Remarkable!!
Shocked in my inability to wait, and more shocked by what I read. Depressing...hurtful.. letters!! They should be totally banned, I'd say. Being a sensitive person is really crap sometimes... :-(

Should've have deleted it after all !!
But now it's kept as a reminder to myself instead!! Lessons Learned...

flurry of events...
overwhelming pressure
seeking relief
alcohol!! sweet nectar of life

words exchanged...
without thought or care
unintended pain
unnecessary troubles

The saddest thing is....the friend doesn't even know what was written there!!! *sigh....*
~.^_^.~

cheers!?!?! :-)

Happy Valentine's Day !

I heard this song; I’d do anything for Love by Meat Loaf. At first you listen to the song and you’re like what the heck!!! It is one of the longest songs I have heard. It’s kind of like Broadway song, but it really has this great catchy tune to it. Then you listen to it and it keeps saying I’d do anything for Love but I WON’T do that…then you wonder. If u’re not going to do something then you really won’t do anything for love…so why is this person saying I’ll do anything and contradicting again. Well then this makes you listen to it all the way, then you’re like ohhhh!!

Well today is Valentine’s Day,
Happy Valentines Day to you all!!! Lots of promises are made while you’re in love and most of them…if you really think about it…you later wonder, “why did I even promise to do that when I know so very well that I won’t be able to keep that promise at all”. Love makes you do and say crazy things as the saying goes!! “Blinded by love…”

Well, today is a day to appreciate your love to someone be it to your partner, friends, family, anyone. Of course this doesn’t mean that you were not supposed to appreciate it any other day, but having a day to remind us of how special your love for someone is…it is necessary sometimes I think. Life being so hectic and stressful!!! (No one can deny that),…as time passes, you start forgetting the little things that keep you going in life. And things like this often gets taken for granted…such as someone being there for you, someone helping you stand up when you fall down, someone letting you cry on your shoulders, someone watching over you, etc. These should not be something anyone should take for granted but things like that do happen. And the tradition of Valentine’s Day has changed quite a bit too…it has kind of become a chore. For example, during Christmas everyone is worried about getting gifts for someone rather than cherishing the time they spend together. A chore!! Same thing has happened to Valentine’s Day…people are worried about what to get ..and how to show off..and such. Gifts are a sign to show how much they care about a person, doesn’t have to be something expensive or extraordinary. It should be a reminder of how much they care for one another..how much they mean to you.

Simple things go a long way!! For sure, it’s like…you can promise someone the world if you wanted to, but it’s not necessary. Promising something you can’t keep doesn’t show how much you love or care for the person!! Does it?

Meat Loaf: I would do anything for Love (But I won’t do that)

And I would do anything for love
I'd run right into hell and back
I would do anything for love
I'd never lie to you and that's a fact
But I'll never forget the way you feel right now,
Oh no, no way
And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Some days it don't come easy
Some days it don't come hard
Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end
Some nights you're breathing fire
Some nights you're carved in ice
Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again

Maybe I'm crazy, but it's crazy and it's true
I know you can save me, no-one else can save me now but you

As long as the planets are turning
As long as the stars are burning
As long dreams are coming true
You'd better believe it, that I would do

Anything for love
And I'll be there until the final act
I would do anything for love, and I'll take a vow and seal a pact
But I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way, tonight
I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that

Some days I pray for silence
Some days I pray for soul
Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll
Some nights I lose the feeling
Some nights I lose control
Some nights I just lose it all when I watch you dance and the thunder rolls

Maybe I'm lonely, that's all I'm qualified to be
That's just one and only, the one and only promise I can keep

As long as the wheels are turning
As long as the fires are burning
As long as your prayers are coming true
You'd better believe it, that I would do

Anything for love
And you know it's true and that's a fact
I would do anything for love, and there'll never be no turning back
But I'll never do it better than I do it with you. So long, so long
I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that
No, no, no, I won't do...

I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that
I would do anything for love
Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do...

But I'll never stop dreaming of you ev'ry night of my life, no way
I would do anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

[Girl:]
Will you raise me up? will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town?
Will you make it all a little less cold?

[Boy:]
I can do that
I can do that

[Girl:]
Will you hold me sacred? Will you hold me tight?
Can you colourise my life, I'm so sick of black and white?
Can you make it all a little less old?

[Boy:]
I can do that
Oh no, I can do that

[Girl:]
Will you make me some magic with your own two hands?
Will you build and emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?

[Boy:]
I can do that
I can do that

[Girl:]
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I've never known?

[Boy:]
I can do that
Oh no, I can do that

[Girl:]
After a while you'll forget everything
It was a brief interlude and a midsummer night's fling
And you'll see that it's time to move on

[Boy:]
I won't do thatI won't do that

[Girl:]
I know the territory, I've been around
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down
Sooner or later you'll be screwing around

[Boy:]
I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Anything for love
Oh, I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that

No, I won't do that

Ups and Downs in Life

snowy days...
It hasn't snowed for such a long time this winter. This time, everyone was expecting it to be a lot. But weather changes so fast... one minute it's going to be 4ft and next it's going to be 1in barely. Things are so unpredictable when it comes to weather. But then life is just as unpredictable too isn't it? One day we are doing something and believing that everything is all right…then all of a sudden everything changes in an instant…things spiral out of control.

I was reading this book called "The Pillars of the Earth”. It’s a great book about life in general: unexpected twists and turns people go through in their journey through life. The story is taken place in the middle twelfth century and back then things were a lot different from the way it is now. There are a couple of group of people the author focuses on and every single group that he mentions will at one point or another get intertwined in each other's life. Group with the status of royalty suddenly gets thrown down to a position of beggars or thieves in an instant. The children who only had learned the life of luxury suddenly has to learn to survive on their own without any support from anyone.

Life is about perseverance!! People face many challenges in life and it's very easy to give up. However it's in your ability to move on through such challenges that gives you or helps you build your own character. You are what your life makes you to be. You are born as an innocent child. Not knowing how cruel people and the world can be. As you are shown the world by your parents or guardians, you start getting the perception of the surroundings through their eyes (more like they show you the sugar-coated version). Then as you explore the world with your own eyes and learn through the experiences you have had as you grow up, these are the true reality: the truth that was shielded from you by your parents when you were a child. At the end, life is life… it has its ups and down but if you have the determination to go forward even when everything pushes you down, you will succeed. That’s basically how the book ends, on a successful note even though lot was lost to get there. Will everyone be successful though?

Another great book is “A Fine Balance: by Rohinton Mistry”. This is also similar, in a sense that it is also about life. It is set in some Indian city, and basically shows how life is like for a certain few who are not very lucky. Even while facing so many hardships these people never give up and are happy at the end. The story is quite depressing, but it gives a picture of REALITY that many people have not even seen or could even imagine one going through. Such is Life!!! It truly is a heartbreaking story…

You're left with many questions after reading the book.....What would you do? Would you be still happy? Would you have been able to keep on going? What is it that makes people say, that they love life and don’t want it to end? If you saw it with your own eyes, experienced part of it, would you be still ignorant to all of it? Is that the only way to go on through life?............................ ...............................................................................................................................................

Departure...

In the chill of night,
You wait by my side.
Not knowing the cause,
Cause of my great distress.

Heartbreak plainly visible,
On my face, and in my voice.
Holding you tightly in my arms,
Fearing to lose you evermore.

You tried your hardest to ignore,
Now, no longer possible.
Arrival of the dreaded moment,
The moment of my departure.

Trepidation strikes…as that moment nears,
The moment when you will hear,
Hear those muffled words…
Words in between those soft tears.

Voice filled with pain,
You let out a whimpering cry.
Acknowledging the grave news,
News that will tear you to pieces.

With a strong heart…you accept,
Knowing this is for not long.
Hoping against hope,
Your love will bring me back.

You whisper softly in my ears,
Saying that you’ll be here.
Waiting … always,
Waiting in the chill of night.

Missing me every moment,
Until I am by your side.
Surrendering my love to you,
At last, back in your loving arms.

The End.

Death!!!...An Escape???

Angel of death,
hovering above me.
I close my eyes,
not believing what I see.

Filled with hate,
drowned by sorrow.
Unable to continue,
forever forlorn.

Ressurrected in hell,
chaos all around.
Tormented souls,
mine also without solace.

Bound by chains,
no hope of escape.
Unrelenting torture,
never-ending nightmare.

The End.

Longing...